What you think

Question

I been with my new boyfriend for a week, and I’m starting to see some red flags a bit. Like him being a bit pushy with things I don’t want to do or if I say no. 
But the other night on Wednesday I knew I was getting the flu I had a bad chesty cough but I wasn’t unwell yet, I just knew it was coming on. 
We had sex and he wanted head so I said okay, but I will cough so you know. When I was doing it he was pushing my head down constantly saying go deeper and really pushing my head down, I said I can’t cause I cough. In the end I stopped cause it really made me feel like shit that he did that.
Before this happened we were sitting on the couch, and he has a 1 kid to his ex and she has another kid to another guy. I said why did your ex and her first boyfriend ( with the older kid ) break up and he said she said he used to hit her and I said oh really do you believe it? And he said I don’t know that she’s come at me a few times to hit me and he said a girl can’t expect to come at a guy and not expect to get hit back..
This rang big alarm bells for me… I wasn’t sure how to take this. I am not a physical person ever, but the fact he said that….. what do you think?

Accepted Answer

The head thing, yeah, that’s not okay. 
But the “you can’t hit someone without expecting to be hit back” is true. Too many women abuse men thinking they can get away with because they’re women. If you hit ANYONE, you should expect them to hit back

Answer

Ok, the sexual force is not ok and I wouldn't stay with anyone who acted that way.  However....I think a man can defend himself if a woman attacks him.  Like, he shouldn't beat her,  but if it takes a hit to make her stop then...🤷🏼‍♀️ 
If you feel things are off with him and you're not comfortable then by all means,  trust your instincts.

Answer

If your gut is saying there's red flags and its been a WEEK, why are you even asking us this? Cut this guy loose. I have milk in my fridge older than this relationship has existed, and it's already causing you worry? Bye bye, buddy.

Answer

Forcing your head down when you clearly didn't want it is a red flag, yes. But what he said about not expecting to be hit back is true. My ex's parents explained this perfectly. They had a toxic relationship for a good bit of their marriage and she would often hit him when she was angry and he would hit her back. They way they both viewed it "Put yourself in a man's place, expect to be treated like a man". A woman hitting her man is just as bad as a man hitting his woman. Both is physical abuse, tho to me the woman hitting the man is more mental abuse for the man because if he were to try to seek help it is highly likely that either no one would believe him or will make him feel like less of a man for "allowing a woman to beat up on him". It's wrong hut anyone period, and also wrong to think that hitting is just one sided and that just because you are a girl then you don't deserve to be hit back if you do it first. You don't know what kind of relationship this girl had with her first child's father, or what kind of relationship she had with your partner. You only know what he chooses to tell you.

Answer

This is super sensitive topics and totally understandable for emotions to be mobilising comments - be awesome if we could use the energy to discuss rather than attack - I’ll bail out of this convo if it continues with the current tone - I want to keep the balance here with what we understand about Differences between male/female uses of violence against one another when they’re in a relationship. The key question in this discussion was around males hitting a women back if she uses violence. Unless the male is at significant risk of being harmed or killed, I say no. I work routinely with males who perpetrate violence, couples that use reciprocal violence and have done for four years. I have never worked with a couple where a women of the only person using violence (though I know it happens). male DFV is more likely with same sex couples. The research that exists mirrors on to what I see at work  (a) women’s violence usually occurs in the context of violence against them by their male partners; (b) in general, women and men perpetrate equivalent levels of physical and psychological aggression, but evidence suggests that men perpetrate sexual abuse, coercive control, and stalking more frequently than women and that women also are much more frequently injured during domestic violence incidents; (c) women and men are equally likely to initiate physical violence in relationships involving less serious “situational couple violence,” and in relationships in which serious and very violent “intimate terrorism” occurs, men are much more likely to be perpetrators and women victims; (d) women’s physical violence is more likely than men’s violence to be motivated by self-defense and fear, whereas men’s physical violence is more likely than women’s to be driven by control motives; (e) studies of couples in mutually violent relationships find more negative effects for women than for men. 
If we want to break the cycle of men and women using violence against each other, men killing women, and minimise the likelihood of our own children becoming perpetrators/survivors we need to teach our babies what a healthy relationship looks like.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2968709/

Answer

Nobody should be hitting anybody at this age in time. I’ve seen some women whaling on dudes and was shocked that he didn’t hit back in self defense. I’m not saying to Mayweather her but ya know... and i don’t like him being aggressive in sex because it wasn’t mutual. Some people don’t know how to manage their dominate sex habits properly. If you’re not feeling him, you’re just not. There is no reason to stay with someone especially if you don’t have kids or property together. Save yourself the regret??

Answer

He should understand with the sexual limits. That's a red flag but talk to him about it. 
As far as a woman who attempts to hit a man should expect a man to hit back....I actually agree with him. Unpopular opinion but I do believe anyone, man or woman should be able to defend themselves from an abuser. I especially see this happen outside of relationships, a woman gets confrontational and disrespectful with a man and feels entitled because she was raised thinking "men shouldn't hit women". While men shouldn't hit women, women shouldn't hit men either. If you step to hit a man, you should expect the same thing back. Its the ugly yet fair side of gender equality. 
On this point, I dont think it's a red flag. Just know, if you try hitting him hes going to defend himself, as I imagine u would too.

Answer

I'm on his side! I expect to be hit back if I hit someone first. Plain and simple. I dont give one shit about what is between your legs.  If you run up to someone like you gonna start swinging, EXPECT to get hit. Dont think you're untouchable just because you a woman

Answer

The red flag here for me is that he forced your head down after you told him no. That is alarming. He didn't consider your feelings or the fact that you were sick at all. The hit back thing isn't a red flag for me. I've seen videos of girls hitting their boyfriends and really going in on them and the guy just standing there or trying to dodge. If someone is physically attacking you, you should have the right to fight back regardless of gender. And if you don't agree with that, don't hit your boyfriend. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Answer

He’s a dick for the head part while you were sick. Some dudes are just asses!

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