Okay. So, my MIL is the only grandparent who is super involved with my kids. She has a house one street over from us, but her and her husband actually live about two hours away.

She comes and stays for around 2 weeks at a time, then goes back to stay with her husband for a week or so, then comes back for another few weeks.

My husband and I work from home, and our baby sitter keeps our son (9 months old) 3 days a week. Our daughter is 5, and she can entertain herself, so we didn’t pay for her to go to the sitter this summer.

My MIL comes to help out. There’s been many times we haven’t even sent our little boy to the sitter because she wanted to keep him. Problem is, her home is being remodeled so she helps out at our house. She does help, but at the same time, it’s caused some issues. (Let me add that we rarely ask her to babysit. She usually just shows up)

1. Daughter has a few cavities. Grandma always brings her gum. I’ve told daughter (in front of grandma) that she can only have one piece because her dentist doesn’t want her to have sticky stuff. I haven’t said anything to her directly because I was hoping she’d get the hint. Grandma now gives her packs of gum in a more secret way. So I don’t know my daughter even has it until after I find the wrappers.

2. She’s a freaking mess. She’ll change a dirty diaper, but leave it on my sons dresser. She uses paper towels like crazy- we go through a roll every 2-3 days when she’s here. She leaves them on the counter. She kept our son overnight one time, and I came home to find used glucometer strips (that had blood on them) on my kitchen counter. She doesn’t clean up after herself so I’m constantly picking up after her.

3. I try to keep a clean house. She comes over all the time and just brings groceries and starts cooking. She’s the type of person who uses every pot and pan she can find. She’ll make a huge breakfast, but leave me with the mess. She never asks, just starts cooking. I don’t mind that she cooks, I love that. But, she never asks if it’s ok, and I always get stuck with cleaning up the messes that she makes. Half of the time, she doesn’t even ask if we’ve eaten. She’ll just show up with stuff and get started before I even realize she’s here.

4. She just does what she wants with my son. For example, we have worked with him on going to sleep on his own. I’ll lay him down, turn off the light and walk out his room, and within a few minutes- he’s asleep.

She doesn’t follow that. So, when she’s here, she wants to hold him until he’s asleep. She’ll hold him, begin to rock, but as soon as he starts squirming, she just goes to another room. It continually stirs him up so he ends up never going to sleep. It just makes him more irritable.

So a few days ago, she was at our house. My son usually has a morning nap, an early afternoon nap, and sometimes a short evening nap. Well, it was 1 o’clock and she already made him miss his morning nap be sure she wouldn’t leave him alone. She kept going from room to room. I finally said “Hey. Why don’t you just lay him down in his bed? Because when he gets used to being held like this and not taking his naps, it makes it really difficult when you leave and trying to get back on a routine.”

I tried to say it in a light hearted way. She did take him to his bed and shut the door… but I snuck in to check on him because he had been crying for a while. She was standing over his crib watching him, and he was standing up because he wanted to be picked up. I was annoyed that I just shut the door.

A few minutes later, she brought him into the living room- which is just off of the office where my husband and I work. She told my husband that she wasn’t leaving him in there because he was standing up and fell twice and bumped his head (not hard at all, he was fine).

My husband told her to just put him down and leave him. He looked at me and asked what I wanted her to do, and I said to just put him in his crib so he can fall asleep on his own, like he normally does.

She got really upset, grabbed all of her stuff and began to leave. She told my husband that I told her that she comes here and messes everything up when she’s here. I told her I didn’t mean it that way, and I’m sorry that I made her feel that way. She asked what did I mean, so I told her that when the baby gets out of the routine, then my husband and I have to work with him to get back to a routine. She said I had a nasty attitude and left. Haven’t seen her since. Also, this is the first time I’ve ever said anything like this. I never say anything about the messes or gum or anything.

It’s just frustrating because we will have a routine, she comes and gets him out of it, then leaves and as soon as we are back to normal, she’s back again.

So… AITA for telling her that she gets him out of a routine and it’s difficult when she leaves?