TL;DR: sharing a lesson I’m learning the hard way-give yourself permission to love you!

I’ve had some recent experiences and hardships that have made it very clear to me that all the self-sacrificing I’ve practiced for years cannot go on any longer. I’ve come to realize that I cannot properly care for my family if I don’t properly take care of myself. ALL of myself. It seems so simple, but things like my hair, skin care beyond basic cleanliness, personal pampering are all things I’ve almost completely neglected for years, despite my husband asking me to do these things for myself. In the process, hobbies, spiritual practices, and other things I’ve had joy with have waned. I struggle with autoimmune issues, PCOS, arthritis, depression, anxiety, chronic sometimes-debilitating fatigue, sleep apnea, and all the physical and emotional/mental pain these bring. My diet/exercise efforts have been inconsistent, though I’ve managed to lose most of the weight I gained after starting a new additional depression med a few months ago. There is much more to go, but it’s a start. I have realized, similar to the saying “fake it ‘til you make it,” that if I do the things that help me look better, and spend the time pampering myself, it will help me feel better and feel more worthy of continuing to serve my needs to serve my family. My family is depending on me. And I can’t be the best mother and wife I can be if I don’t change habits and routines to reduce my pain and improve my function and mental health. I know some of this may not make much sense. I’m not at all implying that I have to meet certain beauty standards to earn any worthiness. Depression can be a nasty, deep, dark, emotional-vertigo-inducing place, that is so hard to understand unless you’ve been there too. All the things I’m doing is done to attempt to disrupt the nasty emotional cycle I’ve experienced for far too long.

SO…all that to say that I’ve had my hair cut and highlighted, went and got my makeup done and bought a full basic set of professional makeup, and just had everything from my hips down waxed. I bought an electric pedi kit to take care of the cracking dark, painful callouses on my heels, and hair and skin products to moisturize, exfoliate, cleanse and pamper my body, exactly the way it is now. I started reaching out to acquantances, moms near me, to visit, connect and have play dates. I’m reconnecting with spiritual things that have been important to me, but has fallen by the wayside.

My husband has teased me about all the money I’m spending, but in the same breathe has said “good. Keep going. You waited too long. You deserve this.” And he has happily put in overtime to make sure I don’t worry about the money for this. My hair isn’t done yet, but I love it already. The makeup artist gushed over the greens and golds in my brown eyes, my high cheekbones inherited from a Crow medicine woman great grandmother, and my brows that I’ve always felt so self-conscious about, bc they have a lot of attitude to tame. I used to have the bushiest unibrow in puberty, and awful cystic acne from my scalp to my butt. And body/facial hair so excessive I look like a man without maintenance. But skin so sensitive it can’t handle maintenance frequent enough to avoid people knowing about my awful hair. But now, at 31, I’m learning to make myself a priority. To do the things that make me feel good, and as a side effect, look good. I’ve caught my husband sneaking looks at me and his eyes widening and pupils dilating like he’s seeing me for the first time again. Every time I’ve done something new, I learn more and more just how much I needed this change.

I didn’t mean for this to get so long, and I certainly don’t intend to sound like I’m bragging or fishing for anything. I’m not. I sincerely hope that some woman out there might feel some connection with this and feel a little less lonely and isolated, even if she isn’t alone. That maybe reading something like this will give her the courage to stop making excuses for not doing some thing for herself that she wants and needs. I totally understand budget and time issues. But we deserve to fit in something for ourselves in our circumstances. Sometimes life demands that we sacrifice. Sometimes we might have to sacrifice a lot. But the cycle of self-sacrificing I fell into turned into a form of self-sabotage that became so severe, it took depression deepening into the edge of suicidal ideation and possible marital separation for me to wake up from my awful self-esteem-stupor. So please, whoever needs to hear/read or see this, give yourself permission to do something for yourself. The differences in the pictures I’m sharing are all just the way I’ve changed how I care for myself. There is less than a 10 pound difference. This is a change in attitude, self-esteem, and self-care. I’m learning again to love myself. And I encourage anyone who needs to, to do the same.