Let me preface this by saying that, IN NO WAY was my boyfriend forceful/demanding during our encounter.

I recently started having pain and issues on a daily basis that has been diagnosed as a cluster of roughly 12 cysts on my right ovary. Up until last night, sex was never painful. We like to get down and dirty. As someone who suffers from anxiety and depression, getting freaky with my man was the one time and place I could truly let go because I felt safe....

Fast forward to last night, I was a little sore in my cyst area, but I chose to initiate anyways because I had never had pain worsen during sex. After about 30 minutes of foreplay and oral, and maybe 3 minutes of actual sex, I got a shooting pain through my side where my cysts area that just got worse. At first I was in denial, and convinced myself that changing positions would fix it. Then I told him how it was feeling and he let up a little.

I don't know If it was the fact that this medical condition invaded My safe space, the sadness when we realized how softly we have to go to avoid pain, or the (completely false) fear of being broken up with due to these potentially lifelong restrictions, but I started bawling....

Because he's an amazing man, he just hugged me and couldn't stop wiping my tears away while kissing my forehead and telling me "it'll be okay, we can get through it together".

I'm having the hardest time dealing with this right now, because I feel like it'll cause a dynamic shift (even if it's only temporary). I know he's just as happy with BJ's, but it sucks not being able to choose the type of pleasure we get. He's an amazing man, but I can't help but let my insecurities shine through and assume he will get bored and tired of dealing with this medical problem that can't really be fixed.

My doctor has me waiting 3 more weeks for an ultrasound to monitor the changes in the cysts without birth control or intervention. Once she has a baseline, we can discuss treatment. I'm only 24 and not ready to have kids yet... it sucks to consider loosing my ovaries due to this.

If you read this far, thank you for your time. I just had to get this out anonymously because it makes me cry talking about it with my friends or my partner. I feel defective and worthless...