If we were divorced

My mind actually went to thinking about divorce this week. I literally thought how we would be spilting time with kids. Splitting assets. Everything. I don't want a divorce I very much love my husband. I just thought if we were divorced he would have to help with the children at least every other weekend...

He works so much and his spare time he fills with things he finds fun. He has never gotten up with our children. The baby is in a sleep regression and I am burnt out. A few night ago he woke up annoyed looked at me holding the baby and asked if he could help. I said yes. He rolled over and kept sleeping. This weekend he is gone again camping.

Friends and family have all expressed their concerns for me and how I'm not looking well. A family member is taking the kids for two hours this week so we can have a date. It has been over a year maybe longer since we've had a date. I'm tired of people asking where he is now. Or me coming up with excuses why it's my role and leaving him off the hook to having responsibilities.

I'm tired. I don't really feel loved. I don't want a divorce. I just want my husband to participate in our life we created. I've talked to him about it and we've made set plans and nothing ever sticks. If he spends too much time at home he goes into a panic attacks. I feel like then it is my fault because he doesn't have them other then that. I can't force someone to want to love me and to love our children how I do. I can't force someone to see the bags under my eyes and know things are not ok. I can't force someone to put me first for a change.

He is happy. He is living his best life. He brags all the time he knows he has it good. He is always trying to be intimate with me. I don't want him to be. I'm so exhausted and have no energy. I don't feel loved I feel used.

I don't want a divorce.