I’ll be all over the place writing this…

I met him at 17…first red flag should’ve been a crazy difficult password on his phone but I overlooked that and stayed. 21 now

Since then he got me pregnant and I had my kid (which I tried to miscarry…I was only 17 when I found out.. didn’t want kids. I’m unhappy and miserable now btw) . One day during a fight he was drunk and the things he was saying about his loyalty (super irrelevant to the fight) made me suspicious…I’ve never been one to check phones but I did this night…photo after photo after video.. over 100 off other women.. some naked, some straight up selfies.. some of his cousin (they messed around young.. gross) .. some of WOMEN’S FEET AT WORK (he likes feet , a kink) but YES. Customers feet at work.

This hurt me…so much. More pics of this shit than me and his own kid.. since then I’ve been really feeling shitty about myself..I gained weight and look different after HAVING HIS BABY.. so it sparked bad insecurities…

He said he’d stop.. this was around 2019? Every time something felt off I found shit in his phone.. saving women’s pictures from social media.. going through their photos…adding women he doesn’t know simply because of their appearance… over and over and over.. I’ve honestly lost count,. Don’t even get me started on the actual porn sites..

His mom passed recently and we went out of the country for her funeral.. on Mother’s Day we fight cause he was on his shit again, adding strange women on social media, going through their pics and stuff.. he left his phone in the bathroom and it vibrated cause it to fall…I picked it up and it was done half naked woman twerking and promoting her only fans on TikTok…on MOTHER’S DAY…the day we buried his mom officially…. That shit hurt. His brother has even gotten involved and told him losing his mom was enough pain, grow up before he loses me..

Recently I seen he deleted all his browser history and his TikTok had women suggesting their only fans and sexual feet videos (his kink)

He KNOWS I don’t like porn in a relationship. It’s wrong to me. Even studies show it can ruin relationships. If he had me, why does he need to get off to another woman? Just because it’s not her physically there with him doesn’t make it any better.. he says he’s no idea why TikTok showed that ( as if algorithms isn’t a damn thing)

Because I supposedly trip off of “small things “ (TikTok, deleted browser) he changed his phone password..

I don’t think I can trust him. He promised not to go back on his old way s but I can’t stop being so angry at all the hurt, lies and sneakiness..

He would look up things like “perfect body” on porn and of course…having stretch marks and fat after a pregnancy…that fucking hurt.

Times he would save women’s pictures from social media and say it was an accident and he doesn’t know what happened.. then later it’s oh I was drunk , babe I’m sorry.

One time while his friend was over and we’re watching a movie he laughed and sneakily says something to him..I followed him when he went to the bathroom cause when I asked what he said he got nervous, laughed and said “nothing… he was saying to his friend how hot the woman on tv was.. knowing how much you’ve hurt me and have made me so insecure WHY would you do that! Not to mention it’s plain disrespectful in my eyes..

It’s like he thinks I’m dumb… I pick up on little shit. One time his phone flashed by my head and it was bright so I went to move it and he snatched it saying “mine” and tried to laugh it off

Checked it later and he’s again doing bull shit..

I feel trapped because I’m stuck at home 24/7 taking care of a stressful, disobedient, always screaming two year old.. literally alll day , if he doesn’t get what he wants he screaming for hours and he’s always trying to fry into things so it’s literally all through the day it’s like this

I don’t work.. I’m supposed to start soon with a new job but it’s taking forever.

I love him . He can be sweet, and so loving but I hate how he makes me feel. I feel like I have to compete with women in the internet, I feel so ugly. He says he only wants me and I’m beautiful but his actions…these things he does makes me feel otherwise… how am I all you want when you do such things?

Be attracted to other women all you want.. you’re human. You will find other humans pretty.. BUT you have NO BUSINESS acting on your sexual attraction towards other people while in a committed relationship.. have eyes for me. Respect me or fuck off…

My self esteem has never been so low.. when I’m on social media..I can’t even look at a woman that’s relatively pretty or I will want to cry …

I get uncomfortable when a pretty girl is on screen when we watch movies… I’ve never felt so bad about myself

Sure growing up I had days I felt ugly but this??? Never felt this way..

He likes to bring that up when we fight “oh you were insecure before I met you though”

Like if you really think that and you REALLY love me…why the fuck do you do the shit you do??

Then again with the social media… over 200 sent friend requests to random women.. even girls (I) went to school with, he doesn’t even know them in the slightest!!

I’m just so over it.. sometimes I don’t even want him to touch me, I don’t want a kiss, I don’t want him to look at me cause I feel so ugly.. and that says s lot cause I’m so “lovey dovey” and touchy. I LOVE attention and cuddles and kisses from my SO. He calls me a bratty princess because so..

it’s a daily battle to stay happy cause I can’t get those images out of my head… he’s constantly on TikTok too..

Every month or so it was something… from 2019! To maybe a week ago

I used to be so much happier. Sure I had my moments by before this relationship my bestie would say you look so good, your wearing your dresses and actually showing skin..

I haven’t felt pretty in so long..I hate my life, I hate my relationship at times…it’s hard to just forgive and forget.

I don’t trust him.. I almost want to use his Face ID to check his phone now while he sleeps but it’s like what’s the point…I always get hurt anyway…

Ps.. if we do eventually break up.. he will get our kid full custody.. I do not enjoy being a mom, I never wanted to, I had to grow up playing step parent, and barely had freedom as it is.. it’s like as soon as I was old enough to finally leave I got stuck with a permanent child 🤦🏽‍♀️

I’m not even sure where I’m going with this… I wanna be happy… I want him to ONLY want me like he says he does (but actions speak louder than words) I can’t sleep for shit cause of my mind racing about all the hurt, I feel disgusted too.. and god forbid I bring it up.. it always starts sm argument even when I’m just expressing I’m still hurt basically a (stop reminding me I hurt you cause it makes me feel bad) type of bullshit

His changed password is currently driving me nuts.. if he could be so careless to hurt me when I had access why wouldn’t he just go back to doing so now that I’ll never know anyway??

Idk how to get past this..