No one told me that you may not bond with your baby instantly, especially after a c-section.

I felt like such a failure. I was always told that I’d see him and instantly fall in love, that I’d give up everything for him and…it just didn’t happen. I felt like I was babysitting, that his real parents would come pick him up any time. I looked at him and knew he was mine, but my brain just didn’t put together that he was MINE.

I would stay up all night just staring at him, waiting for it to happen. I made myself so sick. I couldn’t eat, I was crying so much I was throwing up, and I was so afraid.

I was terrified that if I told someone, they’d take him away from me. I wouldn’t let anyone come over and I wouldn’t let anyone hold him, even my husband. I was so afraid someone would be able to tell that I was faking it. I thought about putting him up for adoption, because I was afraid I’d be a horrible mom.

I fussed over everything because I was trying to overcompensate. I was so terrified of neglecting him that I couldn’t leave his side ever. I slept next to him for 2 weeks, my husband had to force me to take showers and sleep in our room. And even then I could only sleep for 2 or 3 hours before I would wake up riddled with anxiety that something had happened to him and it’d be my fault.

And then, after 2 weeks of no sleep, food, and constant stress, I finally talked to my doctor. I just sobbed, could barely get anything out. I begged her not to call CPS and take him from me…and she told me it was normal. That it can take months to feel that connection. I had never been so relieved in my entire life. And I’m so angry that no one ever said anything about it.