Random drunk rant to my cheating ex

First of all, fuck you. After 7 years of me loving you through everything. I loved you when you were nothing, when you hated yourself. When you had no license, no car, no job, a drug addict, I loved you. I encouraged you, and I kicked your ass into gear and set you up and paid your bills and literally MADE you into everything that you are. I devoted myself to you fully.

For what. For what though. Because in the end, you cheated on me with your boss when your ass finally got a job that you could keep. You couldn't work a mans job, so when you got an easy one you Fucked your easy ass boss who's older than your mother.

You made me feel crazy when I found this bitches jewelry in my jewelry box. You cheated on me when I was visiting my dying grandmother. That shit made me throw up.

And I've been hurting. I've been ANGRY, I've thought about the sickest shit that I could do to both of you. Believe me I have let myself feel that anger and have fantasized so many things that would take me straight to hell with the devil.

But here's the thing, no matter what I did in my fantasies to you it never made me feel any better. I let my anger rage itself in my mind and not one moment did it make me feel any better.

I have been drunk, i drank so much I can down a pint of whisky with no chaser and lick my lips, I have been high, I have tripped acid harder than a mother fucker and I didn't feel better. I have been in so much pain I can't even comprehend it, I have been battling in my head.. how to forgive you. How to forgive her, but neither of you are worth any kind of revenge I want to take. Both of you were in long term relationships and one of you was married and both of you stabbed your long time partners in the back in the worst fucking way, like neither of you are worth the EFFORT it would take to do what I actually want to do to you. and it's not even about you in the end. What I realized is that the person I HAVE to forgive is myself. I am the DUMB ass bitch I have to forgive, is myself.

I was young, and I sat there and loved you when I knew you weren't shit. I drank that dumb bitch juice and I told myself that this motherfucker was worth it when I knew, I KNEW you weren't.

You don't even know that your own family saw me stick around and came to me and told me to leave you. You weren't doing me wrong at the time, you just weren't doing me any good and THEY saw that, THEY saw the type of woman I am and said "girl, you deserve more."

Your own family man. Your own blood, told me that.

I am not mad at you, or her.. even though you both nasty and vile as fuck I am not even mad at either of you. I am mad as FUCK at myself. I hurt myself by loving you. I hurt myself by letting it go on so long, by believing a lie. The lie that you'd ever be more than what you are.

You ain't shit. You literally ain't shit you're not even CUTE and your dick little and I'm sitting here mad at myself for even giving you a SECOND of my time, energy and love. I KNOW what I am, I KNOW what I deserve.

So in the end, motherfucker I want to say THANK YOU.

And thank god, thank you god. Because when you cheated on me you freed me from you. In this last year, I found someone who... is just.. god wow. He led me to god, while you built your new relationship on betrayal and deceit and the end of a marriage I met a man who led me to god. A man who looked at me and saw me for what I am and made me realize that who I am and what I am worth. 7 years of my life wasted, and all of it was for a purpose. So I could be built into who he needed, who his child needed, and who I needed. You destroyed me and it led me to family and god.

Everything no matter how painful, it happens for a reason. I am finding myself still, and I am hurting and I am happy and I am growing. I am growing so much I feel like my skin is going to break apart, and you.. well you just keep searching. Because I know now, you cheated because something about you is fucked. You're not okay, and karma man.. karma is a bitch. I don't wish you BAD, but I ain't wish ya good either. I plan on growing and forgetting that you exist. My entire life is ahead of me, and one day I won't even remember your face.

I wish me the best.

When reality/karma hits you.. and you are in so much pain and you have to sit and look at yourself in the mirror, I hope you see me looking back. and I'll be exactly where I need to be. it won't be next to you.

ETA because I literally never let myself feel a damn thing. And because I am now, I have to let it out.