So I need people to talk to, maybe become buddies , I'm 18 in a relationship

My boyfriend in the army but isn't handling it well.. he keeps bring up marriage and having a family with me. I'm scared this month 17th day before he comes home makes a year I was raped by an ex.. that ex has control everything I do even tho I have a restraining order. I've lost 2 babies because of my ex.. I'm scared of pregnancy my boyfriend knows I'm scared of not being good enough because I'm broken physically and mentally.. my family and friends don't understand why I can't just talk about what happened and how I feel about losing my restraining order...