I'm not okay right now

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for 5 years now, going through fertility treatments for the past 3.

My period was due yesterday and I told myself I told myself the other day that I'll no longer test until the day after I'm due. Because usually what will happen is I'll take a test in the morning the day I'm due and then a few hours later I start.

So this morning I woke up around 8 to pee and went back to bed. I still hadn't started. So when I got up for the day at 9, I grabbed a cup and a test, with a little glimmer of hope, and headed to the bathroom. Before I sat down I decided to wipe, just to be sure before peeing in the cup. Sure enough, I started.

I have been telling myself for years not to get my hopes up each month, but I let myself do it this time. It hurts even more this month because we can't even afford to do an iui this cycle, let alone ivf (which is what we really need to do). So I just feel like we are at a stand still right now.