Just got home from the fertility clinic for beta…. Took two different tests this morning- both negative- having to go there to have them confirm is like the epitome of salt in a wound. It’s fucking torture. And despite knowing before going that it’s gonna be negative, I’m broken driving away from there, I can’t even predict anymore when I’m gonna have a break down because I try so hard and for the most part have been doing better staying strong, but I’m just broken. Again, I’m broken. Even worse, when they call me this afternoon to confirm with a final word that it’s negative, I’m not even sure that I won’t feel further gutted…. Why? Cuz despite feeling the typical cramps and backache signaling my period coming and despite the two negative tests, and despite the energy I’m already given over to grieving another failed round, and my 99.99% belief that it’s done for and that af is hours away, there’s this irrational tiny 0.01% of hope left…