ughhh

really breaks my heart to say this, but idk if I’m ever going to be able to love this child the way they deserve😒 my whole pregnancy her dad (my boyfriend) and I have been together. But he’s so ugly and spiteful. I have no one to talk to about it because rather than be supportive they will just judge me, and if I decide to try to make this work they will never accept him.

We did get pregnant fairly early into our relationship. We got together in august 2020, and our baby is due the end of November 2021.. I made the mistake of still texting other guys, telling them I was with a “girl friend” while I was really with my boyfriend in the beginning of our relationship.. he caught me texting 2 separate times, but after that I stopped completely. Well let’s just say the way he treats me now, I justified for a while as my karma, and what I deserved. But I can’t justify this poor treatment anymore when I’ve done everything I can to prove my loyalty, my regret, and my effort to change so many things to better myself. He’s constantly taking jabs at me that I’m doing sneaky shit (impossible because he has cameras all over the house 24/7 plus my location is shared with him at all times, I answer his calls all the time & text back quickly). During an argument he will say really ugly things that I’ve confided in him in, such as trauma, whether it involved him or was something from my past, but when he’s mad he will use that against me. He stops at no limit. There is no respect, today in an argument I asked him to explain something to me and he said he doesn’t need to because “Im not his equal”. Anything I tell him hurts me he says I’m playing the victim, or that he straight up does not care.

I have a first born that he constantly says is my favorite and that I’ll never be able to love this one the same, but always makes me feel like I have to chose between him/our baby, or my daughter. He’s always “joking” about things with my daughter and always has something to say but it’s so constant I can’t help but feel like he’s not joking… today I’m left with so much hurt because it’s one thing to make me feel like I’m not enough but when it comes to my daughter..

The reality of this all is that maybe I won’t be able to love our baby the same way I love mine. But it’s because of the way he’s hurt, and treated me this pregnancy. And it sucks, how could I possibly love this baby with the relationship I’m in and his lack of respect to me while I’m carrying her😒