I left him🤯 am I bad person? Feeling terrible😭

Hi there! This is going to be really long as I’m confused where to start please suggest me.

Me and my husband have been married for about 5 years in relationship for 3 years,

“ basically the problem is trust and insecurity towards me”

our relationship from the beginning was not stable due to my past relationships and trust issue. we had lot of fight and arguments, though we promised each other and we moved further and got married.

But he ever changed still there was many arguments and fights even without any my mistakes he always used to assume and pointing out me most of the time. There was a time I denied to intimate with him Due to my health issue I didn’t feel doing it then he goes saying “why are you seeing someone”? It broke my heart and I cried so bad and he said Go head cry Byee.

I didn’t give much to it and It happened to be let it go for really long time. Also there was a lot of time I used to feel alone as he ever had time for me. as he likes to play games on weekends.

In 2019 I started to feel extremely depressed, anxiety and started feeling why I’m staying with him who doesn’t respect me when I’m not wrong always makes me feels like I did terrible mistakes. He makes me feel I’m cheater which felt bad for myself.

And finally I thought of leaving him then again I was thinking that every family have problems. That’s life, be patience,

However, I couldn’t stop thinking about what will be my life if I leave him what would I do ?

Will I be left alone as I’m already 29 and I’ll be tagged as divorced women. Which I hate that word.

I’m old already, when will I marry again and when I’ll plan for baby as I have PCOS. Felt sick.!

In future what’s the guarantee that I’ll find good man?

Who will accept my past and understands me.

All these questions in my head made seek of everything.

One day we had huge arguments again, then there I decided No more compromise and more letting go, I’ll go with the flow thought.

I left him came to my mom place last year Oct 30th we are living apart like separated not divorce yet.

He did called and try to convince me to come back many times so my families.

Which I didn’t listen as I was very straight to the point.

I’ll not live like this anymore and I’ll not change my decision.

Definitely I was not happy at all many health issues, sleepless nights anxiety, missing him crying, depression mentally, physically, emotionally especially financially I’m broke. instead of supportive my mom and some relatives pressures it’s hard to pretend that I’m happy, just like nothing happened.

After some months went by one day I happened to text him for some reason don’t remember, that time he said he is sick (Corona) and alone from 10 days no one to feed him couldn’t get up from the bed. I felt horrible and angry for myself like why I felt him like this after so on started calling every day checking how is he is feeling so on and that we generally started talking over phone as we live long distance.

After some day passed one night he ask me to come back he is very sorry for avoiding me behaving like small child and he now have realized being alone is not easy and he needs me and loves me even more.

But when I asked him do u trust me 💯? He said straight NO but he will try. And he scares of me because if I’ll come back may be I’ll leave him in future again.

I said it’s been over 7 years you still don’t trust me and how long does I have to prove to be loyal. he said don’t know but if your real you need to prove it as long as it takes.

Same dialog he have been saying for years, then I immediately said than sry I can’t stand where there is no trust and I don’t think we will be happy together in future if no trust. So I don’t want to come back.

He goes saying you don’t love me you never did and your not giving second chance and that’s shows the level of love and efforts that I’m not in love with him.

And the same day he removed the WhatsApp as he said he will remove it as he doesn’t want to talk anymore. I felt terrible very mixed feeling after so long living with this person Its extremely difficult to overcome and at the same time seeing him alone crying and suffering coz of me i feel like what if in future karma will show me what I did I feel bad for both for me and for him, again but I can’t live with some who doesn’t trust me at all and makes me feel terrible every single day.

He is good person but we both have issues😞

I’m completely 🤯confused and don’t know whether I did good or bad. To him to myself!

does my decision make any sense ? I’m going mad at the moment don’t know what I’m doing. Again sorry for really long post.

Please please I need your guidance.

TIA ✨