Leaving but scared

TW: DV, animal abuse

I’ve been an expert at forgetting how bad it’s been.

And now as I fearfully gather every shred of evidence to make sure my alcoholic spouse doesn’t end up with shared custody I realize it’s been literal years of me living in fear. Every traumatic event I’d buried came rushing back when I decided I wasn’t staying for more, like my brain just kept it suppressed long enough to keep me functional while I was here.

They are scary when they drink. They used to grab me and drag me back into the house when I’d try to leave. They’ve slapped me and grabbed me by the throat and hair- I’m not sure if they were sober or not at the time. They’ve kicked my dog for trying to protect me from them. It’s been years since the physical abuse but as the drinking picks up I see more of that person returning and it’s only a matter of time. They’ve tried to prevent me from leaving with my child while they were under the influence twice in the past few months.

The drinking is worse and the cycle is starting again and I will not to do this to my child. I’ve only stayed this long because we have a young child and I’m afraid of them parenting our kid alone. My kid is too young to speak up or protect themselves in any meaningful way

Of course I don’t have awesome documentation because “God wants us to forgive” so I’d always delete it and stay. Because I made a vow. I’m done with the religion as a manipulation tool.

How do you handle the guilt? The sobriety usually doesn’t last longer than a couple months max but they’re extra sorry this time and I’m worried a court will believe them. I don’t hate them, it would be easier if I did. I don’t want to ruin them, or drag all this out in court. I miss them

But the person they were isnt

a person they can be anymore.

The issue is that they aren’t lying. They truly think this time is the magic bullet, because family is aware. And they poured out the secret stash. Family has been aware for months. There’s always another secret stash. Or the liquor store. It keeps getting worse.

I love them, God I love them so fucking much and this is tearing out my heart but I have to protect my kid.

And when this comes out they will play dirty. I’m scared of that too. I’m in a town they are from and I am not. With courts here.

I’m so scared. Staying and just making sure I’m present isn’t enough to protect my kid if they are becoming that person again , but if I leave and courts don’t go well, my kid will be unsupervised half the time with an alcoholic who “doesn’t really have a problem, it’s not that bad” but who is either parent of the year or berating the kid for tantruming when sober. They believe in spanking which scares me with all the other issues.

I’m just scared all the time and wondering if I’m making a mistake.