Hi ladies,

I just want to know if my feelings are valid, I grew up with a lot of shame around sexual things. It was never discussed at our house and i wasn’t really prepared for adolescence. I heard about periods from a school video, my mom never told me to expect them and not be ashamed of them and what to do when it arrives. My first period was met with a “now your menstruating, if you get pregnant, don’t think i will help you with an abortion.” She promptly left the room. I was 12, and knew zero about boys and sex, never kissed anyone either at the time. I was so shocked and confused as it went from 0-100 quickly.. My celebration of my period coming, was completely ruined. I thought I was growing up. There’s one major incident that messed me up big time. My dad - who was a very controlling parent all my life, once called me a “whore” because I opened my door wearing pajamas that my mom had bought me. They were the shorts kind of pajamas and a little light fabric, but I really wore them innocently because my mom bought them. I had zero idea of sex and sexiness or what it meant. I was totally crushed. I have never, ever forgiven him for that and I have some hatred for him to this day for it, tbh, I don’t really feel an emotion except resentment when i think of him. Our relationship has never ever recovered, and tbh, there’s a block that i can’t seem to get over even though he has apologized in a round about way but denies that it ever happened and I used to be a Daddy’s girl. I felt so, so dirty, and ashamed and I was a just kid for christs sake. He also had my mother perform a “virginity check” on me once because I was sitting with a boy when he came to pick me up from school. That was incredibly humiliating. This is not normal parent behavior and I was crushed with my mother for doing that. Lying there with my legs open and having my vagina opened and peeked into by a parent - I can’t even put into words how I felt - I flew away in my mind. So, I had crushes but didn’t really do much for fear as a teen. Fast forward to now, I had an ex who pushed me off him shouting that i wouldn’t ge good because “you don’t have any experience!” (he had broke my virginity by then) or let me give him head for the same reason - it wouldn’t be good. My current man is a really great guy, he is amazing and awesome. He really wants me to be sexier but my past has hurt my self esteem since my ex pretty told me i was going to be shit at sex compared to other women because i just didn’t start early enough. My bf would love sexy pics, how do i get these things out of my head and feel desirable and worthy of giving and receiving pleasure without shame to another consenting adult?