Who is in the wrong here?

Question

My husbands friends dad died 5 days ago. That same day I had a c section. His dad died from Covid pneumonia. While his dad was sick before me having the baby this friend asked my husband to come over and hang out, which he’s smart enough not to. His funeral is Tuesday and my husband told the friend he won’t be able to come because his daughter will only be a week old and he doesn’t want to expose her to anything, I also had a c section with a 3 year old toddler. Hoping the friend would understand. But instead the friend is calling him selfish. This guy is almost 40 living with his mom still and no kids so I feel like he doesn’t understand what it’s like to have little lives depend on you for their safety. This guy isn’t his “best” friend. They have been friends for a few years but they mostly just talk about sports and a few other things. 
Is my husband in the wrong or the friend?

Accepted Answer

I don’t think anyone is in the wrong.  His friend is grieving right now.  People say hurtful things sometimes and I’m sure he isn’t in a great state of mind.  Your husband has different priorities and that’s okay.  What isn’t okay is talking shit about someone to try a sway people to your side.  “He’s 40, lives at home and has no kids”. Like that really wasn’t necessary or nice.

Answer

I think theres a way to phrase it though....he could say "I really want to be there for you. I am not able to right now because she is still recovering from surgery and the dr said no lifting our toddler for 2 weeks and we have no one else to come help. Can we make a tentative plan of (insert date) and we will touch base?" Then your husband go for just an hour or two. I really dont think your risk of exposure is high if it's just him and his mom at home and he brings them lunch for an hour or two. But his friend may have felt dismissed if your husband was just like I cant right now, sorry. My friend lost her mom and initially I really couldnt be there for her, so I stopped by for tea for a brief time....it wasnt much, but still a gesture.

Answer

I don't think anyone is necessarily wrong.
As a friend I would be hurt to miss my friend and as a parent I get why he stays home.

Answer

Honestly I’d probably would part ways with that friend. I think it’s more selfish to want and expect someone to expose themselves knowing they have a literal newborn when that literally is what the dad died from. I get grieving but it’s not a reason to lash out for not getting your way.

Answer

Neither is wrong. His friend has a right to be hurt that his friend can’t be there for him in a moment of need, and your husband has a right to protect his family. Not all situations need to have a right or wrong. 
Also not sure why you need to include the bit that he’s 40 and lives with his mom and had no kids and isn’t your husband “best” friend because they only talk about sports… seems like it was said to demean him and has 0 bearing on the issue. Even though he likely won’t read this, don’t knock someone while they’re already down. Sounds like you just don’t like the guy to begin with.

Answer

Losing a parent or family member or close friend is already hard enough. Going through surgery is hard enough. Going through these things in a pandemic adds a whole other level of stress that affects everyone physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Nobody is in the wrong. The friend is not wrong for being upset or saying things in anger when his dad just died less than a week ago. You guys aren’t wrong for not being able to attend the funeral.
My brother died a year ago in January. We had a zoom chat setup on an iPad in a common area so people could attend his service virtually if they couldn’t attend in person. Most people showed up in person after taking a rapid covid test, but we had some people from out of state who simply couldn’t because of many factors aside from just covid. Perhaps your husband can recommend that to his friend and let him know he wants to support him in any way he can while also keeping his family safe.

Answer

No one. 
The man is heartbroken and lashing out. 
Your husband is doing the right thing for his family. 
Unfortunately it’s just one of those things you hope will be resolved once things aren’t so raw.

Answer

I do not think your husband is wrong. Funerals are frequently spreader events.  I agree that someone who doesn't have children depending on them, likely doesn't understand how that changes your priorities. My husband also wouldn't go.  
I think it's unreasonable for the friend to be upset about your husband declining, but I also think it's very common for a grieving person to have really raw feelings that don't stick to reason. So I'd recommend approaching his feelings with compassion.

Answer

Neither. The friend is grieving and your husband is protecting his family. The friends response kind of stunk but his dad just fucking died. Give him a break.

Answer

He’s grieving and probably needs a male to talk to , in your husbands eyes or his friend maybe they are best friends everyone has a different view on what a “ best friend “ is , neither is in the right or wrong they just see things differently for what priorities are . Your husband could always spend half an hour or so video chatting his friend on the day funeral can be done via video , my family had to do it via video due to covid and it’s better than nothing and still showing support.

Who is in the wrong here?

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