Feeling alone.

All comments and advice are greatly appreciated.

I guess I’ll start off by giving you some background on myself…I have diagnosed social anxiety disorder. And I’ve been struggling with depression lately as well. I find it extremely difficult to let new people into my life, and when guys want to get to know me, I tend to shut them out or reject them, even if it’s a guy I really like. I feel that subconsciously, I don’t feel good enough for anyone, which really sucks because I feel like I’m missing out on my teenage years and they are slipping away.

There was this one instance where I really liked this guy, and I feel he really liked me too, I met him at a school volunteering event and the whole entire 5 hours we were there we talked about EVERYTHING. Im normally very anxious taking to people but with him, I just felt comfortable and safe, which was very rare and strange for me. The whole time we talked about our families, our hobbies, our dreams, literally everything. We were flirting the entire time, he asked me if I had a boyfriend, and I thought things were going really well and I thought he would ask for my number…well, at the end of the volunteer shift, he had asked me what my dream was, to which I opened up about. (which is usually something extremely difficult for me to do) Despite this topic being out of my comfort zone, I answered it, and when I fumbled over my words he laughed at me, and teased me (in a flirty way). Even though I knew he meant it to be harmless and thought he was flirting, I got annoyed and low key mad at him, because I had just poured my heart out to him and all he did was laugh. I was embarrassed and felt ashamed and humiliated.

Anyways, after that we continued talking but I guess he felt that I wasn’t as interested in talking (which I wasn’t) and even asked me “are you mad.” So anyways the shift ended and we left and said bye. Well then whenever I saw him at school he would ALWAYS say hi to me in the halls, and smile, even when I wasn’t even looking at him or didn’t see him. He is a “popular” guy who talks to everyone and I am a person who keeps to myself, and don’t have any friends currently (I’m going through a very hard time). Because of our differences socially, I ended up convincing myself that I wasn’t good enough for him and couldn’t understand why he liked me, and the next time he said hi to me I ignored him. Well now whenever I see him he ignores me and avoids eye contact, which is understandable I guess but it really hurts and I miss him.

I ended up regretting this A LOT later because I developed very intense feelings for him, as I said, he was the first and only guy that I’ve ever felt comfortable and safe with, and we had so much in common, and he was such a gentleman as well. I don’t know what to do, I worry that he’s moved on when I’m still not over him, and it’s been 6 months since our “falling out” happened. I know this may sound stupid because we only talked that one time but we both got to know each other so well that day. I’m feeling very alone right now in general, and I feel that he would be a good person to get back into my life because I know he’s a really good person and I like him. Currently I think that he assumes I don’t like him and I’m a bitch which couldn’t be further from the truth.

I guess I’m just asking where to go from here.

Thank you for your help, in advance. xx