Anxious and guilty

Just a real big long vent 😔

My husband and I have talked about a family for years before we started ttc, and he spent a very long time wanting to make sure that I’m ready for this. He has a daughter from a previous marriage (lives with her mother), they got pregnant the first month they tried and she found out when she went to get birth control because she’d changed her mind about wanting a child. The marriage fell apart very quickly after, she frequently blamed him for taking away her 20s and ended up having an affair. So needless to say, he was nervous to have a child with me. We’re both still in our 20s (he’s a few years older than me), and he has expressed that he doesnt want me to miss out on anything and have regrets later. But the lifestyle our friends are living in their 20s, the things he’s referring to, arent even things i’ve ever cared about. I’m not a party type, i dont go clubbing or out to bars, dont drink heavily or use drugs. I’m a homebody. The extent of our “going out” that we do is the occasional concert, which are only a couple hours and we’d easily have a sitter for. It’s not something we’d have to give up. I also spent many years caring for my special needs/medically complex younger brother before he died, and a lot of his needs were not that different from a baby (constant supervision, diaper changes, formula feeds, getting up numerous times a night, etc). It was always very natural for me, it felt fulfilling, not burdensome. I’ve wanted a family of my own for so long, and I was the one to express that desire before he did. I’d always said that i’ve never felt more sure about anything else. When he was finally ready, we started ttc and were lucky enough to get pregnant on just the second cycle. We are both over the moon excited, we cant go a single day without talking about baby names and how much we cant wait and how we’ll decorate the nursery. But every now and then I have these moments of panic where i start second guessing if I’m ready. Ready to be a mother, ready for all the responsibility, ready to give up our quiet evenings, etc. And i know it’s likely just anxiety talking. I had dealt with anxiety for years before pregnancy, and since getting pregnant i’ve had more specific anxious concerns. But every time i have one of these panicked moments, i’m immediately overwhelmed with guilt. I dont regret getting pregnant, I want this baby more than i think I’ve wanted anything in my life and i would be absolutely devastated if something happened. I feel guilty for those moments of questioning if now was the right time. The moment eventually passes and the excitement comes back, but that panic always comes back later. Does that feeling ever stop ? If so, when ? I feel like I cant express this to my husband because i dont want to plant that seed in his head, I dont want him to think that I’m going to end up like his ex wife or that I dont want this baby now that it’s finally growing inside me. I just cant help but feel anxious about the what if’s. What if I’m a bad mom, what if we grow apart, what if we never have time for each other or our interests ever again, what if he starts to resent me, what if what if what if.