Kinda lengthy explanation, so I apologize in advance. I also don’t really even know if I’m seeking advice or if I’m just venting. But I welcome any advice or insight.

I delivered my son almost 2 weeks ago. He is my 4th baby. For different reasons, I wasn’t able to breastfeed my previous babies and I pumped milk and bottle fed them.

I really wanted to try my best to breastfeed this baby. When he was born, I was able to nurse him. However, on my first night home, my baby and I had a feeding session where he was literally on me for 2 hours. I had tried to unlatch him multiple times, but he would cry and just kept giving me signs that he was hungry. I was in so much pain, but decided to give him a bottle to allow my nipples to heal. My nipples ended up getting scabs.

I keep getting told that if baby is latched on right, that nursing shouldn’t hurt. However, when I spoke with my sister in law, who has nursed all 4 of her babies, she says that it hurt every time for the first 1-2 weeks.

Anyways, ever since then, I’ve been pumping and bottle feeding him. I’m getting to the point where I’m so exhausted of feeding him and then having to pump right after. I want to stop pumping. But I’m having intense guilt trips of the thought of not giving my baby this milk. I feel like I failed him for not breastfeeding him…

Eventually I will need to go back to work, so even if I do start nursing, I’ll have to ween him off anyway…

I just don’t know what to do…. I think this guilt I feel is also being mixed in with baby blues or PPD… I just feel like I’m failing him…