I had my first child a few months ago. It was not a magical experience for me. Everyone talks about how beautiful it was when they had their baby. but not for me, and it’s not like there were complications, it just was a stressful terrible experience for me. I had to be completely alone with a nurse checking in once an hour probably if that, my husband wasn’t allowed to be with me until I had to damn near start pushing. Being in that much pain without anyone to help me to remember to breathe or just simply having someone with me at such a vulnerable time was extremely hard for me because childbirth had always been my biggest fear. I wanted the epidural, the nurses and drs refused to give it to me as soon as I wanted it. Once I finally won that battle it took them two hours to actually give it to me, which I might as well not have gotten anything because the epidural in this country is a joke and also not even 40 min after receiving it my daughter was born. (I’m living outside the United States, they pretty much don’t believe in epidurals and believe natural is the only way so they look down on you for asking for medicine) the whole time I felt like I was going to pass out on several occasions I caught myself nodding off, I threw up because I’m f how extremely weak I felt. And the nurses did not care. Before the final push for some reason everyone up and left the room. I had to send my husband outside to go get them because I could feel her coming. And I have not admitted this out loud not even to myself. I did not feel that gush of love and joy when I first had my daughter in my arms. Sure I was surprised and in shock, I kept repeating oh my god, I couldn’t believe I had just given birth to my baby. But I did not feel that joy and love everyone talks about. And that is all I remember from her birth, which I feel is nothing. I don’t remember her first cry. I don’t remember feeding her the first time, I don’t remember holding her apart from when I kept repeating omg. I have to constantly ask my husband what happened because I know nothing besides all the crap