This pregnancy for me has been like groundhogs day. Maybe deja vu is a better word for it. I keep feeling similarities that are to close for comfort. A feeling I just can’t shake. Last year my cousin was also pregnant and due Sept (dads side of the family) I was due October 15th. We were literally the only cousins that hadn’t had children on that side of the family and I have a big family. She was 39 and I was 42. She went on to have a beautiful baby girl on Sept 3rd. I lost my sweet boy April 7th. This year I am pregnant again and again due October 15th my only cousin from my moms side that hadn’t had children is pregnant and due Sept 3rd. All of my appointments are on the same schedule as last year. My 8 week scan was March 7th at 2:45 pm. Last year the day I found out I lost my son was my 12 week scan. The day prior I took my dog to the dog park (the private ones you rent) this year as I scheduled his appointment I mentally made sure to make it the day after my scan. I couldn’t shake it I just felt like my life is a movie I’ve seen before. Like I am reliving it and trying to change the outcome. The night before our appointment I told my partner “I’m wearing white underwear, I think that may be a bad omen” he looks at me funny and says why would you say that. I told him I had this uncanny ability to put on white panties and I would start my period. He shook his head and told me not to worry that I’m not getting my period for a while. We cuddled up and watched our shows and went to sleep. He was having trouble with congestion and he went to sleep on the sofa so his snoring wouldn’t keep me up. (He can snore so loud the windows will shake) I didn’t sleep all that great I couldn’t get comfortable. I woke up around 4 am and went to pee and didn’t flush (my way of conserving water since I pee like 2-4 time a night). I woke up around 8:30 and I can hear him snoring in the living room my dog was awake next to me staring at me funny. I felt a little pressure and I got up to go pee again. I noticed the toilet paper in the toilet and it had a slight brown mark on it. Still tired I pull my panties down and sit down. I freeze my underwear is covered in blood and since I am wearing white underwear it’s clear it’s brown. Ok I have a little hope, I wipe and my heart sinks fresh red blood and clots.

I call my partner into the bathroom and I tell him I’m losing the baby. He starts to try to convince me I am not losing it. He’s googled it and he seems sure that it can be normal. Idk but be mansplained about miscarriage irked me a little. This isn’t my first rodeo and my 4th consecutive loss. I clean myself up put on a pad and grab a dark colored towel and lay it on my bed. I lay down and prepare for the labor that’s coming. I start feeling the contractions start coming and I ask my partner to time them so I know where I am in the process. The pain is pretty bad but in a weird way I welcomed it. When Contractions were about 3-4 min apart they spiked and I went to the toilet and I felt something slip out. I am not really bleeding that much which is nice because last time I hemorrhaged at home and it looked like a war zone. I look into the toilet and there is no blood so I can see clearly a complete sac with my baby inside. I scooped my baby out and got to look at her/him and I can’t explain why but I felt comforted. While this was painful it still was my easiest miscarriage and I had never passed the baby like this before and so cleanly no extra blood in the toilet. I sat on my bathroom floor with my baby in my hand and cried. Saying I cried can’t really describe the primal wail that only a mother can make who’s lost her child. That sound is haunting and I couldn’t replicate if I tried.

I prayed and talked to him/her. What does one do with their passed baby? I wasn’t prepared to have this happen. It just felt wrong on a level I can’t explain to flush it down the toilet or to throw it into the trash. This little sac is still so precious to me to discard it that way. I put it into a ziplock bag. Another hour or so of my uterus contracting and I was done. I email my Dr and cancel my sonogram and I go and lay down and nap for a few hours.

This is more than losing my baby it’s my dream of being a mother. My partner was really clear that no <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a>, no donor eggs and no adoptions. A discussion we had after we lost our son. I am one of those people that really doesn’t need a biological child and I always wanted to adopt whether I had a biological child or not. He wasn’t particularly motivated to have a family and kept putting it off for years and years instead opting to travel and live a kid free life. insisting that my age wouldn’t be an issue since science has come so far. So I’ve spent the last fertile years with a man that really didn’t see me or my needs.

Although I am not an impulsive person and don’t make rash decisions I just listened to my heart and my gut and I left him yesterday. I’m going to take my sweet baby to the ocean tomorrow and release him/her. I am going to grieve and cry as much as I need to and then I am going to get up and put one foot in front of the other. When my head and heart is clear I am going to start the process to become a foster mom and hopefully one day I will adopt my child that is out there waiting for me.

March 7th (2015) was the day my Bubby passed away and part of me instinctively feels she was there to welcome my baby home. April 7th will be a year that I lost my son and even though I am in the trenches in grief and pain I know my story isn’t over it’s just this chapter of my life is over.

I wonder what is coming next for me?

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read my journey. I think it was important for me to get it out of my head and put it somewhere safe.