/: not even sure what to do

Hey guys im sharing my story in order to get some insight, I’m hoping that one of you mamas have gone through the same things I’m going through so that maybe I can find a way out.

Me and my ex fiancé have a son together he’s 11 months. My ex is 52 and I’m 21, we met on seeking arrangements and although he wasn’t interested in a pay for date relationship I fell in love with him. At the time that he met me I had an addiction that he helped me out of. A few months after being clean I got pregnant. I lived in LA with my parents and then moved to Arizona with my ex when we became official.

Upon moving to Arizona I was told by my ex that if I didn’t delete all my social media that we couldn’t be together as I was provocative because I was doing sex work previously. So I did, I deleted every account (IG, Snapchat) all my photos and memories went with them aswell. At the time i really didn’t care even though I had a following i was trying to prove a point. That I didn’t need it. What I underestimated was how lonely and isolating that would be.

I wasn’t talking to my friends I wasn’t even talking to my best friends for months because the type of relationship I was in, all my messages were read, analyzed and talked about and it just seemed to give me an anxiety so I kept to myself when I was pregnant despite the emotionally abusive relationship I was promised that I’d be taken care of and that I would be understood, not judged by mistakes I made in the past.

For a year I was basically punished for the past. My ex managed to get me to believe that we were together when I was still working (I believed that we were just dating and not together) and that I had cheated on him in the “beginning of our relationship”. A few months into my pregnancy I looked at his old messages and saw he was making plans with other escorts up until the day i moved in. He also managed to text a woman that he might come out to see her when I was about 4 months pregnant. All of this doesn’t seem to phase him as much as “what I had done to him”.

I’m now at a point in my life where the trauma of trying to make up for “cheating” when we weren’t together is too much for me to bare without some sort of counseling. I have been asking him to get a therapist for over a year and we have not seen one yet. I asked for a marriage counselor and we managed to “miss” that appointment. When I asked to reschedule nothing happened.

I’m sure you guys know the toll that takes on a woman when I had my son i put my foot down and let him know I won’t be treated like shit anymore. Now IM the mean one 🙄 apparently.

For 6 months I was so dissociated from being the only one up at night my bipolar disorder has only exasperated and I have no trust anymore as you can imagine it feels like the ultimate deception being punished for the past and then realizing that he’s just been punishing me for his own selfish reasons when he was talking to other ESCORTS not just women aswell.

He has made several promises of getting better and for the most part he has he is way less angry and mean to me but sometimes when he’s frustrated the mean him comes out and it reminds me of how dumb I am to even be with someone like that!

For months I asked for just a little bit of space to get my head together with my son (I wanted 2 weeks) and he tells me “you’re not taking my son away from me” so for months I was just feeling imprisoned and suicidal even! Dealing with bipolar disorder and PPD a baby AND a man was too much for me and when I explained that if i continued to stay without a break I’d be a danger to myself he said that HE would fix it…

A month ago I almost did something terrible to myself after an argument, I called my mom and told her I have to come be taken care of because I wasn’t even eating anymore I was so weak. I knew that my fiancé wasn’t going to let me take our son ): I brought it up and he said the same thing that I’m not taking him away so I left to my moms without my son for the first time and although I explained that I needed my son with me in order to get better I was ignored and so now I hate my ex with everything within me and I don’t want to come back ever again. How could you do that to a young mother? It was so awful to be without him but I had no choice and i couldn’t let him use my son as a chess piece for me to stay!

I asked for him to bring my son to my parents house and my ex came along.

It has made me absolutely vile, I’ve talked to him in front of my mom and told him I don’t want to be with him I’ve been saying for a while that I want to separate, I feel as though he WILL NOT ALLOW ME TO. How in the hell do I get out of that?? Sometimes he says he’s leaving and he just stays. My dad employed him to work on the roof and so now they’re halfway through the roof and I feel like I can’t even say he HAS to go!

My ex girlfriend has come into town from NY and i have been seeing her often, there’s nothing I lie to him about so he knows everything, he knows that me and this girl are intimate. I feel bad because it obviously hurts his feelings but I’ve literally broken up with him a million times and he just pretends like it never happened.

On top of that he’s not helping out with our son again because he’s working but he sleeps in my bed. I am starting to seriously lose it I have thought about an attorney for custody it just sucks we can’t just be normal and figure something out. He refuses to be away from his son even when he’s not helping out. He is usually an AMAZING father but he doesn’t know how to juggle work and family and never has been able to.

My dilemma is that I’m so young I don’t know what the hell im doing I don’t even know where to start. I’m starting to generate income by learning to tattoo but I can hardly stay at my parents while I do that I need my own place and fast. I’m JUST getting my license because ive been solely dependent on a man that doesn’t want me to drive.

Is there any advice you guys can give me at all? I’m really scared