Why am I so scared to have sex?

With my past relationship, I always tensed up during sex. It was my first bf/husband and so he took my virginity which was traumitizing. I figured it was “vaginismus” (involuntarily tensing up so penis in vagina is tough) but i actually ended up getting pregnant, delivering a baby even. But we could only have sex in one position: me on my stomach.

Anytime I had to have my legs wideee open while he enters or even fingers me, id involuntarily close my legs and it was so frustrating for both of us.

Anyways, he left me because of this. With a baby.

I ended up seeing a physical therapist who did alot of work and asssements on me, with inserting things and all.

And i was told im actually ok, dont have that condition, but just need someone to make me more comfortable and go slow with me.

Every guy Ive gotten to know and ALMOST made it to sex.. doesnt seem to want to take it slow :(

I feel like an alien. Like a weird girl.

Im currently seeing someone and things are slowly heading in that direction. He says its up to me. Whenever im ready. But im just sooo tired of communicating that i need to go slow and i just feel weird talking about my past 😞

Its embarrasing..

Anyone else tense up during sex? I feel like its really in my mind like the physio said. Im scared its gonna hurt like the first night.