You do not say if you orgasm when you masturbate? If you do not, that is where you should start. Masturbation is your very own research laboratory where you learn about your body, sex and orgasms. It is an important part of your education.

Growing up in a strict religious or conservative culture often means that everything sexual around you were repressed and covered in shame and guilt. Learning to orgasm and enjoy it is often the first step to get rid of the repression, shame and stigma of considering yourself as a sexual human being

If you masturbate, you likely already know the answer without even realizing it. You have two organs down there. One for reproduction and one for pleasure. Since they are so close together, they get confused, and besides, sex-ed sucks big time.

Your vagina is for reproduction. It is your birth canal, and a safe place for your partner to ejaculate his sperm to get you pregnant. It is also an outlet for your menstrual flow. To protect you from trauma caused by pain, your vagina is largely without nerve endings, leaving it mostly with very little feeling. If it was very sensitive inside, child birth, menstruation, inserting tampons, infections and sex would be intolerable. Unfortunately sex with a male partner is mostly concentrated around your vagina with his penis pumping in and out of it.

Your clitoris is actually your primary pleasure organ. It is the equivalent of the male penis, except that you do not ejaculate, and you do not pee through it. It is a massive organ, going almost 15 cm inside your body. It forms 2 wishbone structures, the 2 fat bulbs that are going under your lips towards your vaginal entrance, and two thin long legs that goes deeper in your body. Just that little tip that you can see and feel (the glans) has more than 8,000 nerve endings, making it the most sensitive organ anywhere on a human body. In other words, it is made for stimulation, leading to orgasms. That is quite literally its only job – pleasure leading to orgasms.

During normal sex, most women do not get enough stimulation to their clitoris to orgasm. Only about 20% to 30% can orgasm from just intercourse. Research has shown that it is because their clitoris is close enough to their vaginal opening so that the thrusting of the penis also stimulate their clitoris. The rest of us need extra clitoral stimulation to orgasm during sex. There are a number of ways to achieve this. It may feel unnatural in the beginning, but it will become second nature pretty quickly and it holds the keys to a great sex life.

During sex, you need to stimulate your clitoris. You can do it with your fingers, his fingers, a small clitoral vibrator, a couples vibrator or by changing how you move during sex. Giving your clitoris extra stimulation by rubbing or vibration is easier done with you on top, or him behind you. And it is pretty much just masturbating while he is inside you.

Changing the way you move can also give you great orgasms. With him fully inside you, tilt your pelvis so that your clitoris makes contact with his body. The rub, squeeze and grind in small movements on him. There is no rule that states that sex must be the in/out up/down that does so little for you. When you get more adept with this, you can even end the in-stroke with a sweep of your clitoris on his body, giving you back this typical in/out motion. This is also much easier done with you on top where you can control the movements.

There is even a sex position that achieves this very efficiently called the coital alignment technique (or C.A.T.). You can google it. It takes some practice and experimentation, and I think it is easiest done with a long term partner.

If you are wondering how to stimulate your clitoris, here are a few tips:

• If you have not done so yet, wash your hands, lock your door, switch on the lights, get naked, Sit with a mirror and look at your genitals. Spread your lips, pull back your clitoris hood and look at what you look like. Identify all your parts. If you do not know where or what they are, google “female genitals diagram”. What you see is all you. It is as much a part of you as your face or breasts. It is all good. There is nothing bad there. There is nothing to be ashamed of or feel embarrassed about. We consider our genitals to be private. That does not mean it is bad or shameful. It is just private and you decide whom sees it and when.

• In the beginning your clitoris may be very sensitive. Start very gently and not directly on your clitoris. Make sure you are well lubricated. When you are dry, your clitoral hood will “stick” to your clitoris, rather than slide over it. You can use your own arousal fluid from inside your vagina, saliva or a store bought personal lubricant on your fingers.

• You can rub next to your clitoris, over your clitoris, around your clitoris, on your clitoris. It can be slow or fast, hard or gentle, large motions or very small motions. You can use a finger tip, a finger, multiple fingers, the palm of your hand or an object/toy. You can rub, squeeze, press, grind, tap, pinch or vibrate your clitoris.

• You may also find that the closer to orgasm you get, the faster and harder you go, and the more direct the stimulation needs to become.

Never had an orgasam during sex

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