I'm struggling and I'm ashamed and I know I shouldn't be, especially with everything we've gone through. Long story short our little man's been through a lot being intubated and extubated 3 times now in just the first couple weeks of life. Today about 5 hours ago he got extubated again and we were so excited because we could hold him again without a while bunch of tubing. My husband got to hold him first which I'm super happy about, and than I wanted to hold him but couldn't cause I needed to pump, so after that I asked if I could hold him and they said they wanted to wait for a while since his CO2 levels started dropping, now he need to be put on a bipap machine and than I can hold him. But I'm soo gutted that I couldn't hold him earlier because I needed to pump and now I can hold him but it has to be with a whole bunch of tubing again.. I obviously in the end just want to hold him but I'm sad and overwhelmed and scared, since the last time he went on this machine and than got intubated we almost lost him due to his lungs collapsing and I'm scared it might be happening again..