This past Monday was the worse day of my life. I was 11 weeks going on 12 this past Wednesday. I went to my doctor for a second ultrasound because I had one at 7 weeks to confirm my pregnancy. Everything was fine. I felt perfectly normal because I’ve done this before so I knew what to expect. I went in for my appointment and once my midwife gave me the ultrasound my husband and I life changed forever.

I had him on FaceTime because he was at work to see how much our baby grew since our last visit. Before the doctor could say anything I saw that the baby looked smaller than I expected but I didn’t think anything of it. Maybe we just have a small baby, it happens. The midwife told me she wasn’t getting the pictures she’d hoped so I needed to use the bathroom so she could get a better picture. I did and came back. Once she did the ultrasound again she said” I can’t find a heartbeat, the baby looks about 8 weeks.” I could not believe what I was hearing. She wanted to confirm it with an ultrasound tech but for whatever reason they were booked and couldn’t get me in. Riddled with sadness and frustration I called the birth center I planned to go with to see if they could see me. I so wanted the other practice to tell me that the baby was ok and they just could see it.

The wait to confirm the unthinkable felt like forever. Once I receive the ultrasound at the next hospital it did confirm exactly what the doctor said before. I was crushed. I felt robbed. I felt like I spent so much time worrying about how we would make everything work out with the new baby that I wasted time. Just as everything was starting to get real, just as we planned to tell our older children( we have a blended family so no bio kids together) our baby was gone.

I cried the entire rest of the night on Monday. I physically and emotionally could not be a mother or a person for that matter. Since my baby had been died inside me for 3-4 weeks I decided to go with the pill option. I took the pill the next day on Tuesday because I could bare the idea of carrying my dead child inside me any longer.

I took the pill vaginally at about 11:30 am Tuesday morning, the pills started to take effect about 3:30pm. During the wait time I could feel the breakdown. Or maybe because I knew it was happening. Once I started to actually feel the clots and clumps come out of me I was sick to my stomach. I truly could not believe the baby we gave a name , started to move our lives around for was now gone.

I’ve never seen that much blood in my life. I opted to use the disposable underwear as a pad and went through 6 of them before my husband took me to the ER. During the passing of the tissue I began to feel super light headed . I was still bleeding really heavy and it was about 10:50 at night when I passed out on my way to the bathroom. Luckily my husband caught me. I dont remember what happened I just remember trying to get to the bathroom and the next thing I remember is him trying to get me to come back conscious. Once I come to I asked him to get me to the bathroom, as I crawl in I see the toilet and start throwing up uncontrollably. Once I finish I feel this HUGE clot come out of me. I get up to get on the toilet pass another clot and I see that I’ve bleed through the underwear pad, my pants and onto our shower mat. I was horrified. We called the midwife on call who told us go to the ER. But I was sooo weak and out of it I just wanted to lay down. We went back to sleep and the entire time I can just feel more and more of my baby and pregnancy exit my body. At about 4 am I woke my husband before his alarm for work to tell him I was still bleeding heavy. I went to the bathroom to change myself and still felt lightheaded. All I remember next is trying to stand to wash my hands, the next thing I knew my husband was in the bathroom trying to get me to come to. I passed out again, I never even turned on the water to wash my hands. In that moment he put on my pants and his, got our kids and we rushed to the ER.

I lost a lot of blood, I was only .8 from needing a blood transfusion. Even in the ER after passing the baby for hours I was still heavy bleeding and passing heavy clots.

Today is Friday I still can not believe our baby is gone. My baby is gone and I still can’t believe it, I can still feel like a phantom baby and I feel crazy because my baby stopped growing at 8 weeks. I haven’t been myself all week. I’ve barely seen my kids. Today is the first day of me trying to be normal. I haven’t to put on a happy face for my kids especially because they don’t know anything about it .

I miss my baby even though it’s life was short. I miss growing it’s life and now I just have to go on without it. I’m not sure how my husband is because he just keeps saying he’s ok.