Trying not to get too excited - I know I'm not alone in this

So I had a miscarriage last year ironically around my due date for this year. I've been trying for this baby for 2 years and it's been very hard and I want to be excited but I'm just having trouble.

Because I know this could end any moment. That miscarriage really put some fear into me and I hadn't been letting people buy the baby anything and I hadn't bought anything and I'm just waiting and waiting to make sure nothing goes wrong because I lost my last pregnancy right after I announced it. It was hard and embarrassing and I just don't want anyone to get too excited.

However, I'm 18 weeks now, twice as far along as I was before, and it's all becoming real. We found out we're having a boy, we picked out a name, my family is over the moon, and I just let them know they could start buying things if they wanted.

I am slowly starting to get things for the baby. I bought a couple baby toys the other day, I bought a onesie, and after getting some fun coupons in the mail i got 3 customized pacifiers and a customized car seat cover. I think I'm slowly starting to dip my toes into the well of excitement and that scares me a little. The first miscarriage wasn't as bad (for us; my husband and I managed our expectations and knew the risks so it didn't hurt as bad as it could have) because it was a blighted ovum so we never saw or heard a baby because one never actually grew. This one though, I've heard him. I've seen him. I've even started reading the book we named him after out loud so he could hear it.

I don't know. I express my feelings better in writing so I thought it would help me to get it all out here. I know I'm not alone in this feeling. This is my second pregnancy and I'm 34 with no kids so it feels like if this pregnancy fails that's it. I know that's not true and I know older people who have had successful pregnancies and tried for way longer with success but it just feels like we're pushing it in terms of time. I want this to work out so badly I'm afraid to be happy about it. My friend, who knows my feelings, told me she was so happy to see me buying things and getting excited and I think that's what spooked me, that she pointed it out. I love that she's happy for me and I'm happy for me too but it just reminded me to step back in my little safe space and hide until it's all over.

And with all this Roe vs Wade nonsense I've been bombarded with reminders of mortality rates in mothers during labor and what all can go wrong with the baby constantly on my Facebook.

I'm just tired of holding myself back from what I know could be such a special feeling but I'm not sure how to stop. We named him. He has a name and a face and a heartbeat. Ender Scott. I want to meet him.

A quote I really love from the show Firefly is "I ain't so afraid of losing something that I ain't gonna try to have it." And she was directly talking about a baby. I try to keep that quote in mind to keep me going.

I guess I just wanted to get this all out. Thanks for listening!