How should I deal with this?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 2 years and together for 4.5. When we first got together we talked about having 2-3 kids as our plan. After our daughter (3.5) I went through a bad depression and my husband now doesn't want any more children even though I desperately want 1 more. He says he can't handle depressed me again. I tried to explain to him that if we really can't come to an agreement that maybe its better to separate because neither of us is willing to budge. I feel lied to, if I was told I would only have 1 child with him I never would have continued the relationship because I've always wanted to be a mom and I'm a great mom. I have my days because I feel underaprriciated and like I don't get enough help. I stay home mon-thursday and only work Friday, Saturday, Sunday. But because he works 5 days a week I get stuck doing everything and it's like having 2 full time jobs. He says I'm trying to force him into having another baby because I'm "threatening divorce" when actually I feel like im calmly laying out our options

Accepted Answer

You can't force him to have more kids, just like he can't force you to stay with him if you want more. He had to watch the person he loved so much suffer so badly and there was nothing he could do.  You said your PPD was horrible, and that effects everyone around you. Can you and he handle that with your daughter now and your new baby? I get you want more but obviously he was very effected by what happened to you. My friend's ex-husband had to watch as she almost died during child birth, after she still wanted more and he changed his mind. Things in life cause us to look at the bigger picture and make changes in what we want. It doesn't mean you were lied to, just things changed because of a major experience.  Now, if you can't handle that and need to have more kids then by all means divorce your husband and find someone new. But he told you he can't handle seeing you suffer again. Maybe try counseling, and stop threatening divorce to get your way. Say you do have another and go through PPD again, that could cause your husband to resent you and even the baby and cause a big divide in your relationship and family. This is not an easy situation to be in at all.  You both know what you want and don't want to discuss it. Good luck.

Answer

You are threatening divorce though if you don’t get your way. That’s not fair.
Sounds like your ppd was scary and traumatic for him as it was you. I think that’s valid and needs to be worked through. What’s the plan for managing depression should this happen again? Maybe if he has a concrete plan for this or the two of you establish the plan this might change (I.e. can you swing a mothers helper? Regular Therapy? House cleaner? Etc?).

Answer

Omg, a girl posted just a few days ago saying that her husband didn't want to have anymore children and that he explained that if it's something she can't get over then she should basically just leave him. & All of these girls were literally supporting his statement 😅😂😂😂 now that it's a woman stating that she would leave because of the same thing, everyone has a completely different opinion 😅 this sexism thing has got to stop.

Answer

So I'm going against the popular opinion. I want(ed) lots of kids, and if that didnt align with hubby, then I would've left too. At the same time, I understand what others are saying...but people are not obliged to stay in relationships if they no longer hold the same interests.
I suffered from ppd as well with my first. It's kinda like he's blaming you for having it. You say that circumstances were different with the first and he wasn't there much (part of the reason I went through it too), so he's not realizing the effect your situation had on you at the time (of him not being around, not having a support system in place, being a first time mom, etc). 
The fear of enduring ppd a second time around didn't hold me back from wanting my second, and thankfully I didn't go through it again even though I still didn't have support. 
I think you really need to sit down and talk this over without blaming or giving ultamatums, just calmly laying out everything and showing him that the circumstances were different. (Maybe even have a counsellor to mediate a neutral perspective to ensure it's fair).

Answer

You should read your post again but pretend that you didn’t write it because what you wrote has multiple reasons why your husband’s feelings are valid. Your post is making you sound childish, entitled, and selfish. I’m sure he didn’t anticipate you going through ppd with your first child either, I can see how that could be traumatic to not just you, but him as well. I saw in one of your comments that y’all were trying after only a month…but again I’m sure y’all weren’t expecting ppd, so that point loses credibility. I also read that you said he never wanted kids…which means he already compromised with you since y’all have a daughter…no? You also said you don’t receive much help now and feel like you’re working two full time jobs…what do you expect to happen with another child? This just seems like a selfish reason to divorce someone over in my opinion…like say you go through with it, what are you going to tell your daughter? “I left your dad because he didn’t want another child”…it just seems like you’re completely disregarding his feelings…what if he couldn’t physically have anymore kids, you’d be ready to leave him huh?

Answer

It's sounds like you only want him for his babies. Do you even like him? You know kids grow up and then it's just going to be you and him, right? He probably feels lied to as well if that's your way of viewing the relationship. You only love him and want to be with him if he can get you more babies otherwise you're going to leave him?  That's pretty messed up.  
Even if he did think he wanted more kids at the beginning things change! you need to respect that. 
Be happy you have a healthy baby. Some people don't have that privilege.

Answer

Your post is a little all over the place. Sounds like he didn’t realize PPD was a thing and it sucks (been there). You can’t force him to have more kids, but then later in your post you complain about having to do all the work. You can’t have another kid and expect things to get easier. If anything it’ll probably get harder. Maybe you guys should consider couples therapy before calling it quits.

Answer

People change their minds. People are allowed to change their minds, especially on something as big as having kids. He watched you go through ppd and you’re shrugging that off although it’s a completely valid reason to be afraid and not want more children. 
You need to quit selfishly thinking about the additional children you MAY have (just because you had one doesn’t mean you will easily get pregnant again) and think about the child you have now. Why break up her family? Why put her through that? It’s unfair to your child. There’s no saying he won’t change his mind again eventually and agree to having one more. Go to couples counseling so an outside party will actually hear you and offer helpful ideas. Don’t just call it quits over something that isn’t even a certainty.

Answer

You are threatening him with divorce, how is that calmly asking? 
Also, he’s saying it’s not a good idea for a reason and you admitted it.
Lastly, you’re already complaining about how your stuck doing a lot since you work 3 days and do house wife for the rest. You think it’ll be easier having another one? 
Definitely reread what you wrote!

Answer

You are threatening divorce, if I don’t get what I want, I’m leaving that’s basically what you’re saying. Children are joined effort, a compromise, not something to hold over somebody’s head or threaten or anything else. Unfortunately he didn’t realize postpartum depression etc. came with you having a child, it’s understandable he doesn’t want to deal with it again. It’s not easy being pregnant, it’s also not easy dealing with somebody who is pregnant. You’re already being a single mom four days a week.  Do you love your husband that’s the question, are you willing to sacrifice the relationship if you don’t get what you want, you already are a mother, you have one child, and whether you foster children or you get pets or you’re not feeling enough of whatever it is at home that you need to have more children because you’re feeling lonely, you’re not getting the emotional support from your husband, the children are feeling avoid that you are feeling, there’s clearly more going on here that if I don’t get what I want I’m leaving is your response. Is one child enough for you, will it ever be enough for you, would you ever be content enough or would you resent your husband. And what if the child is special needs, would that put a strain on your relationship also, because he doesn’t want to deal with depression yet alone anything else. It sounds like conditional love completely, not unconditional love only love you and I’ll only stay if you give me what I want, where is the compromise. Maybe some counseling or therapy, it’s either going to come down to you leaving, are you getting what you want, where is the compromise. Are you feeling lonely in your relationship, are you not feeling supported, are you not feeling connected to your partner, are your needs no longer being met, is this the same the marriage relationship child, as a last resort in hopes to save the marriage, there are lots of things that you need to talk about, lots of things that you need possibly therapy, you already have one child, clearly there’s a void that you were feeling that you need to have another one or you’re not gonna be with this man. There’s more going on.

How should I deal with this?

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