AITA for not wanting to adopt?

Question

Got diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, a connective tissue disorder, after a *severe* multifactor knee injury that I sustained after slipping on wet floor that required two tendon grafts and removal of the fragmented meniscus. The rheumatologist that my ortho surgeon referred me to told me that there's about a 50% infertility rate in patients with EDS. Those that do manage to conceive have a high chance of miscarriage, and those that don't miscarry have a high risk of early labor and potentially lethal hemorrhage. Plus, as friends and people I've talked to in the EDS community have made me feel plenty guilty about, there's a good chance that I will pass on the disorder to children. 
I've spent weeks crying about this because I feel like I have to say goodbye to a life dream, but every time I've tried to vent to a friend or family member, they've always been really dismissive and told me I'm being selfish and dramatic because if having children is really that important to me, I would just adopt. 
I don't really want to adopt though. If a child fell into my life by chance that needed a mother I would do it happily in a heart beat, but I really don't want go looking for one because I have no other choice. It's not just about raising a child for me, I want to experience growing a new life, I want to experience childbirth, such an incredible and unique and challenging experience. I lost my dad when I was 14, and as an only child AND only survuving grandchild on my dad's side, I want to keep the family tree alive. But I worry that I'm being incredibly selfish and maybe the fact that I'm so resistant to adopting means I shouldn't be having kids anyway. So am I the asshole here?

Answer

This is a completely reasonable reaction on your part. Just because you don't want to adopt doesn't mean you don't have the right to be a parent. Also, it's easy for those without fertility issues to pass judgement when they can easily attain what you want so badly. Allow yourself to go through the motions of being upset and dissapointed. There will come a time when you decide you're ready to adopt or don't want to adopt or go another route

Answer

I’m so sorry for all that you are experiencing. You are not the asshole here. You are going through a really hard time and you have the right to decide if adoption is the route for you. 
My friend went the adoption route. Guess what? 3 babies - that’s right- 3 babies were taken from her. 3 separate moms chose her and her husband and each time the bio mom changed their minds the day after giving birth or a couple days later. They held 3 babies in their arms thinking they would be their child before finding out that yet again, it wasn’t happening. FINALLY they got their baby. 
But for someone to tell you to “just adopt” is insane. Adoption can be a hard route as well and not everyone ends up with a child that way either. 
People need to mind their own business. 
I hope you have a very happy life with this next chapter and give yourself time to grieve the life you were wanting.

Answer

I agree with prior responses - you’re definitely not TA, and anyone who has not experienced your very unique set of circumstances gets to pass judgement. But you DO need time to grieve and process. If you haven’t seen one already, a genetic counselor can help you understand more about your condition and risks of passing your condition on. It also might be worth seeking another opinion from a specialist with lots of expertise or research in your rare condition rather than a physician who might see it more sporadically.

Answer

Is there a possibility that you could do IVF with genetic testing and use a surrogate?

Answer

I have friends where the wife has a disorder she doesn’t want to pass on to her kids. They did IVF and had the embryos with the disease tossed out. They have two beautiful IVF children now. I wonder if that’s a possibility for you. 50% miscarriage are pretty good odds.

Answer

Hugs. First off, definitely not an asshole. My husband and I adopted after years of infertility. There is nothing "just" about adopting. It is HARD. I'd say harder than biological birthing in many ways. You should only do it if its 100 percent the right option for you. Its not a consolation prize or an easy plan b.

Answer

NTA

Answer

You’re not an asshole. I hate when people through around adoption as if you can just go to a place and get a child. Adoption is very hard and not everyone gets to adopt plus it’s expensive as hell. No one mentions the amount of money you have to pay just to adopt a child but they love shoving it in your face. 
If you do decide to have kids I wish you well on that journey. Don’t let people make you feel guilty for wanting to carry kids that are biologically yours.

Answer

NTA at all! There's nothing wrong with struggling with the want to have kids and the desire to do it biologically when you can't. I have wanted to have kids since I realized it was something my body could theoretically do. Like when I was 6 and someone would ask me what I wanted to do when I was older, my answer was always that I wanted to be a mom. That's not something easy to let go of. If I ever found out I couldn't carry and deliver my own baby in the future, I don't think I could accept adopting just like that after wanting to do it naturally for so long. I can't imagine what you are going through, but just know how you feel is entirely valid and there is nothing selfish or dramatic about it.

Answer

No, you’re not an asshole.

AITA for not wanting to adopt?

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