Hey.

I'm a 37 year old woman. I've had a rough go at life since birth, but have made something of myself despite it all.

I own my own home

I have a good job

I am financially responsible

I am independent.

However, I have 4 children with 3 different men. Yes, I know, I know. It wasn't how I wanted it, but I don't regret my kids and 2/3 of these relationships were long term (7 years). However, each of those 3 relationships were incredibly abusive and toxic (all 3 were narcissists). I had to leave these relationships. I've learned through therapy that the emotional/physical abuse I endured as a child at the hands of my mother, who is also a narcissist, likely caused a lot of the issues that 1. Attracted them to me, 2. Why I stayed for so long.

Relationships were :

1. Pg at 19 (been on my own since 15), we were only together 6 months and I'm positive he messed with the condom. Anyways that lasted 2.5 years. We have a daughter who is 16 and chose to live with his mom. He and I don't really talk and he's not throughly in my life unless I'm asking him about our daughter or sharing something with him about her

2. Was with him 7 years. Got pg 3 yrs together with twins. They're 11 and he hasn't been involved going on 8 years. The other 3 he was around collectively 6 weeks out of 3 years. My third ex is who they call dad.

3. Were together 7 years. It was awful and he barely takes the kids.

I am indifferent to him. He still thinks he owns me, but barks to me and then fucks off to lick his wounds.

Anyways, I've been single on paper the last 1. 5 years (it ended well before that though). I'm starting to get back into dating. Slowly. See what's out there. I'm still working on myself in the process.

I just feel like no one is going to want me. My ex insisted on taking all 3 kids every other weekend. He can barely muster up the energy for thay, so I have limited free time to boot, but there's work arounds to that. I just know three kids at home is a lot. My exes suck, and it makes me look bad having 3 fathers.

I am fine alone, but deep down I have always just wanted a partner. I've given up on the dream of a semi nuclear family, but I'd still love a partner one day.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this.... I guess.... Is there any hope for me not to die alone?