To my little baby bear,

How much I long to know who you would’ve grown in too. To wonder how perfect your Tiny little features would’ve been. How I hoped you’d get all the best parts of me and I know now it will never come to be. My life faced so much danger but even yet as we sat in that room I wanted to beg them to save your life. but I knew that that wasn’t possible. I knew it wasn’t my decision to make. That the decision had already been made and that I could only choose how. I wish that it was all a nightmare but your daddy’s tears assured me I was awake. That I am awake. And as he explained the procedure and why it was so urgent I get it done in that moment, I still prayed there was another way.

“Ectopic” And “nonviable” we’re the doctors words to describe you. “It’s not in the right place”. All these big words were used but they all meant the same thing. That you were going to die.

I was told Several times , that this happens everyday. That it is common. That this was normal. But they didn’t know. All the days I prayed for you, all the nights I laid on the floor wreathing in pain begging god to save you, they don’t know how much you were wanted how much you were already loved and how I begged for you years before you came to be.

Losing you shattered me. I wanted to scream and yell but my voice had left my body. I awoke from that surgery feeling a emptiness where you once were. And I have felt that everyday since. But just know although mommy and daddy can’t hold you, we remember you everyday. I have three little scars You left me that I will cherish forever. And I know that you had to go because grandma and grandpa just couldn’t wait to meet you, I know that right now you’re in a place where no one can hurt you and that you and grandma are cuddled up waiting for me.

You made me a mommy as brief as it was and you will always be loved 💛

My baby in heaven, my first, from your mommy 🥺