I haven't felt like this in a long time but I'm feeling this way again it's like I get depressed about my situation and I feel hopeless it gets to me I don't know how to make myself feel better feel happy

The situation is I used to be bullied as a kid and as a person it changed me I withdrew from people I built a wall I don't accept people let them in unless I know them and see their character my parents used to fight a lot my dad hit my mom and that made me feel scared I would lock myself in the closet and hide there my oldest brother had to get me out and talk to me for me to be okay not frightened my brother he got married and left the state he has his own family so that hurt me as he was my best friend but I respect he has his own family I just wish we could talk even though he's married I'm still his sister.

Right now I just feel like it's hard to talk to people let them in and trust them because I don't know their intentions and it's hard because I want to feel that connection with people

But I have fears like what if they are using me what if they are judging me what if they think I'm stupid what if I'm a burden

Like I don't know how to say this but I feel like an outsider