It’s maddening. And I go through a range of emotions every time. From fear, hoping I’m not, and grief when my period starts… sometimes, I feel relief. But I normally feel grief. A few times I’ve felt hopeful… and perhaps foolish.

We aren’t TTC.

He isn’t in a position to do this and I’m feeling like I’m just getting my life together… He was so awful the first time. I love him but I wonder about us. I miss my mom, and I wish I could lay my head on her shoulder.

I have a doctor’s appointment today for unrelated reasons and I’m afraid to mention that I’m late. I’m afraid to tell them I’ve avoided the OB since I was last seen by their office due to issues resulting from careless and half-done medical care during my last pregnancy, subsequent miscarriage, being prescribed an overdose of medication after the fact, and subsequent hospitalization. It’s been almost two years and I’ve been too traumatized to see any OB.

I know I’m only a day late. The app says 6 but my cycle length changed several months ago to 35 days from something like 29. I know the way I “feel pregnant” is really the same way I normally feel when expecting a period and maybe I’m insane but I am sincerely convinced that I am. I mean… convinced-convinced. I understand the irrationality of it but it’s to the point of actually believing otherwise.