negative

wait, positive?

no. there go my line eyes again

i guess that’s what happens when you so desperately want to see those two pink lines show up

but you only see one.

negative

is how i see the world lately

everyone has their hands full of crying, laughing, and core memories coming from the child they had the privilege to grow inside their bodies

negative

is how i feel lately

i want those two lines

but this month again, i only see one

cmon i know i can get pregnant, that’s how i lost my first.

negative

negative

negative

negative

god damnit am i doing something wrong?

i’ll change my diet, and i’ll take those prenatals

please, just give me what i want

positive

well, i’m ovulating

i feel it, this is my month

i’ve been saying it since april now

these two weeks couldn’t go any slower

is it time to test?

no it’s too soon

what if?

negative

i started my period the next day

i am left a shell of a person once again

what’s the use of doing it all over again next month?

i would be a horrible mother, i can’t even conceive

my friend got pregnant and had her period, maybe i’m the same way

negative

i should’ve known

when is my life going to start?

when will i be able to carry and hold a child of my own?

when will this extreme desperation and longing for my unborn child end?

negative

not this month

maybe the next

maybe i’ll get to have my own pregnancy announcement, gender reveal, and shower some day

maybe i’ll get to experience my lover rubbing my belly and feeling our creation kick

maybe i’ll have the privilege to breast feed

just not today

negative

i hate myself

i want to feel the mental pain physically

i’m tired of putting myself through this

i wish it was my month

but the test is once again

negative