Am I doing the right thing?

Question

My 12 year old son came out to me as gay a few months which I was a bit shocked at such a young age discovering it. I’m always going to love and accept my kids no matter what. My husband is homophobic and at the same time is the father of our 4 year old daughter so I really don’t want to leave him even though I know it’s not right to be with someone who won’t accept my son for who he is (my sons are from my first marriage), am I making the right choice?

Answer

I would definitely give him a chance to change his tune, but if he isn't going to be accepting of your son your kid comes first.

Answer

Homophobia is not something that I would tolerate at all quite honestly. It's as bad as racism.
My son came out around a similar age to your son. I remarried 6 years ago and my new husband absolutely 100% supported my son. My son still has not told his biological father because he is unsure of how he will react - so we have known for 5 years now and his dad still doesn't know.
His dad isn't homophobic, but he already has a set picture of what his son will look like come the age of 25 and that's certainly not going to happen now.
I wouldn't ever choose my husband over my kids - for any reason at all. And my husband is more than aware that the kids will always come first.

Answer

I would give him one chance to change his tune  and then I’d be gone. Your child comes first, his safety and well being.  
As a parent you are supposed to love your child unconditionally. He relies on you to protect him, including from your husband. He didn’t chose to be gay anymore than he chose to be born.  
Your daughter also deserves to be loved for who she is and not exposed to hate like that.

Answer

I wouldn’t be in a relationship with a homophobic person whether or not I had a gay son. That’s not a viewpoint I can tolerate let alone partner with. You being in a relationship with him will send your son the signal that you think being homophobic is alright. Also, whether your husband overtly criticizes your son or covertly criticizes the lgbtq community, your son is going to internalize that hatred. Check out PFLAG for tips on how to support your boy

Answer

To be honest im a person that works in a gay club for the comment stating that I wouldn’t leave just because he’s homophobic that’s going to hurt your child more than anything in your child’s going to wonder and think that he’s not loved enough so that’s going to give him self-esteem problems as far as mental health and so on and yes I have time to speak to a lot of people And the number one thing that they complain about is their family not loving them because they’re gay or not accepting them

Answer

I'd leave. This is going to be nothing but horrible for your son. Zero tolerance for that kind of hate.
If you leave THEN hubby tries to change, then maybe. But I wouldn't bet on it, they hardly ever change.

Answer

How is he treating your son? Is he being an asshole to him or just kinda distant? Do you think given time and education, he will be able to change his views and support your son? I can’t imagine being in your shoes because I’m queer so obviously my partner is supportive of the LGBTQ community, but I’ve known people who have been able to grow out of their homophobia/transphobia and support family members when they see the real-world impact of that hate. But if he’s being an asshole and you don’t think it’ll change then yeah, I’d choose to support my child over supporting homophobia.

Answer

Leaving a spouse for his beliefs is a terrible reason to leave a spouse in my personal opinion. 
Not everyone will agree with homosexuality including if it's their own child

Answer

My husband and son seem like they’ve both came around and accepted him!

Answer

So is he being an asshole to him or something?

Am I doing the right thing?

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