i hate myself

i just want to rant about how difficult dating with chronic anxiety/an anxious attachment style can be, even if no one listens. i’ve just recently began dating someone new, and in retrospect, it seems as though every relationship i’ve been in, i ended up being with someone who doesn’t meet me half way or doesn’t see eye to eye with me. granted, i never bring up my feelings in these kinds of situations because i feel as though they don’t matter or my partner wouldn’t even begin to understand my way of thinking. for a bit of insight as to just how anxiously attached i am in relationships, if i don’t get a text back within two or three hours, i immediately start to subconsciously think that i’m being cheated on or that my partner is becoming distant. if something doesn’t happen at the exact moment that i expect it to, my brain begins to think of every worst case scenario to ever exist within relationships. recently, it’s gotten so bad to the point where i literally spaz out and do things that i eventually regret in the end such as self harming or lashing out on others. if i could grant one wish, it would be to have an escape route from my brain readily available to me at all times. i’m so fed up with overthinking to the point where i become physically ill and mentally prone to immense danger. i am a danger to myself, and i often question why i even feel the desire to be with someone else. growing up, i had an extremely unstable childhood. my mother died when i was four and my father was in and out of my life whenever he found convenience. i’m 100% sure that’s where my anxious attachment style stems from. it feels as if i’ve been cursed from the moment i entered this world considering everything i’ve ever gone through in my childhood is now catching up to me. i’ve always dreamt of being a mother, but from the looks of it, i could end up being an emotionally avoidant parent, much like my father, all while subconsciously continuing the pattern that destroyed everything i am and ever hoped to be.