Trigger warning…… suicide…..I’m empty and ready to go…

I’m losing everything and finding it hard to want to fight or keep trying. It’s like the thought of not having to burden all this debt and all these issues is so satisfying. I can’t get the thought out of my head bc a few months ago my son was removed from my care. He’s 5 and all I have. I’m so empty and feel like I failed him. I’m trying the best I can but I sabotage everything I’m my life. I have bpd and these lows are hard to pull myself out of. I been thinking heavily on writing letters to my son. One for each birthday I’ll miss so he knows I love him. I’m scared he will hate me if I end my life and grow up feeling like it was his fault or something idk. I was working and everything was fine. Then they added two points for a ticket making me ineligible to work as a case worker something I love to do and I’m a social work major. For about two months now I have had no income coming in. I just moved to my current apt where I pay 950 a month and I’m behind this month by 524 with a three day notice. They also have me for a utility charge which I don’t understand if it wasn’t transferred why wait four months? So that’s 428 $and it’s collecting late fees. My car got repo Friday and shit been hell. I’m trying to get my school computer out my car but have no one willing to help me and just a lack of support all around. I been trying to distract myself be proactive and been applying to jobs but the debt I have is so high. Rent is rolling back around and i interviewed for three jobs one paying 12 a hr for 15 hrs a week! Like what a joke. The other is a gas station since these jobs are walking distance and a produce company where he’s considering me to fill a spot being made available in a week or two. I’m stressed and tired of crying. I stay on the 11 floor and I just want to hit the ground and die. I want to end all this stress. I don’t want to be homeless and I don’t want to lose everything I worked so hard for like furniture which I know is just material but I came a long way from nothing. I have no close friend I can share these emotions too and no family that’s close to me or care. What’s even worse is my cycle will be starting and I don’t have a dime to even buy sanitary napkins. I feel so hopeless. Like I’m desperate. My phones going to be off. Like idk what to do.