I don’t even know where to start… These things never get easier. Just a WARNING for the ones who need it, this story involves loss and the photos at the end (that should be covered and marked as “TMI”) are very graphic. I wanted to be open incase there is some out out there that need the images for comparison, I’ve definitely had to make the dreaded search for those kinds of photos before.

Just for context this was my 4th pregnancy. My first was in 2017 and I miscarried at 5 weeks. My second pregnancy was in 2018 and I miscarried at 4 week; 3 months after my first. My third pregnancy was in 2020 and ended up being ectopic which ultimately ended in miscarriage as ectopic pregnancies do. This was my fourth pregnancy 2022, it had taken us almost a full year of TTC before we decided to say “fuck it lets just take a break” my husband and I agreed it would be good for our mental health to foucs on other stuff and let our sex life be more organic and get some genuine romance back into it instead of being tied to mother natures clock. We were about to put in an offer on a bit of a fixer upper and were under a good bit of stress from the hunt and working out the deal. We later decided to drop our offer as it would’ve been impractical to renovate and entire house myself because…I was late. “Im sure its just stress” I told myself. “Give it the some more time, 1-2 days is completely normal” 2 turned into 3 and my mind was filled with curiosity. “Eh I have a few leftover tests lying around, won’t hurt to take one” If you’ve ever had a TTC journey im sure you know that even THINKING about taking a pregnancy test can bring on aunt flo. It’s Positive. “I don’t believe it” my husband said “I want to see a darker one.” 7 positive tests later… “I still don’t believe it, I want to see it in words.” So I bought digital tests, both say “pregnant” We’re both so excited. Its taken a while and surely this one will work. My doctor had told me previously that my chances of ANOTHER recurrent miscarriage is less than 1% being that Im young (21) active, and overall in good health. I’ve spent the last 2ish years working on managing my conditions naturally and had gotten them almost entirely under control. I have PCOS and RA (Rheumatoid Arthritis) and I was Ovulating EVERY month, and my cycles had been VERY regular for over a year, and was assured that RA doesn’t effect pregnancy like most other autoimmune issues. I called my doctors office to make an appointment and was told “I’m sorry. But he won’t see you until you hit 12 weeks because of your history” Kind of ass backwards if you ask me especially being that your first 2K payment is due at 12 weeks, but whatever, I’ll call around for other options and if I don’t find one i like better I’ll wait. I got into a local clinic at 5 weeks I had some VERY light spotting (i’m talking dab a ballpoint pen on a piece of paper size spotting) when I wiped for 3 days at that point. They assured me it was normal, and told me I’d be receiving an ultrasound She was rather rough with the scan, and a few days later my spotting got a bit heavier. They assured me it was still normal, but if I was worried to “take it easy” so I did. I decided to stop the gym until the spotting stopped. 11 days after it started it got even worse. Not horrible yet, still only when I wiped but it was way more and red. Dreaded Red. Immediately I went to the ER. I know red and i know its not good, so I had to get to get it checked out. Blood pannel and Transvaginal Ultrasound were ordered and all came back great! Baby was 6 weeks with a heart beat 93bmp and my HCG was over 3400 so within perfectly normal range. I was diagnosed with a minimal subchronic hematoma and was told to be on pelvic rest at minimum and bedrest preferably I was told by the ER doctor “It shouldnt harm you or the baby the hematoma is so small, itll resolve on its own most likey, keep an eye on the bleeding it may get a bit worse and you may have some small clots, but unless you fill a pad every few hours don’t worry too much. 5 days later the bleeding got much worse with small clots. Instinct was to panic but “remember what the doctor said” I told myself. I had some pretty rough cramping, I chalked up to gas pains… that is until the early in the am I passed something. Something I was very familiar with, but I told myself it was just a clot. Then an hour later I pass something else. My mind was screaming “THIS IS IT STOP TELLING YOURSELF ITS NORMAL! YOU KNOW THIS!” but I decided to have hope this pregnancy, we’d told family already instead of hiding it like before. This time was different. It felt different. It had to be different. No way this could happen to me a 4th time. I mean i wasn’t FILLING a pad in a whole day let alone a few hours so its the SCH it has to be. I planned an ultrasound at an imaging clinic for peace of mind and to actually see the baby’s heart beat since in ER visits they don’t allow you to. I invited my inlaws and 2 days later we went to the scan. When we arrived a couple was leaving the clinic both sobbing. I prayed that wouldnt be us as well. “Oh Great a nice full bladder” the tech says. “Yup I drank juice before we left like you told me to so hopefully we will see some movement” she scans for a minute, tells me I have a tilted uterus and asked if i was aware. I told her I wasnt and she tells me its “hard to see” and suggests I empty my bladder. When I left to do so she told my husband and family that at 8 weeks she should be able to see it and concerned something may be wrong but is just the tech so she can’t confirm. I go back in the room to continue the scan and nothing. 7 days earlier we had a 6 week 5 day baby and as heart beat and today nothing. She suggests I go get a blood test. In my mind I already knew the results. But my husband insisted. A day later we got the results. They felt like a slap in the face “congradualtions! You’re pregnant! Blood is never wrong!” they tell me. My HCG level was 314. It shouldve been 13,000 or more if it had progressed normally. My levels had dropped to less than 9% of what they were a week prior at my ER visit. The miscarrige was now confirmed. I go home and pack up all the stuff we’d gotten for pregnancy and the baby, I tool up crocheting and made a few toys for our “future child” while on bedrest and I think packing those up hurt the most. 2 Months and it was over. I won’t lie emotionally this one hit the hardest. I’ve spent the last few days in agonising emotional (and physical) pain. Praying for it to all be over. Praying to lose the ability to conceive if they will all result the same way. Pleading with god asking him why this happened and to never do this to me again. Screaming in emotional turmoil furious that this happended to me a FOURTH time. My husband says he will forever have the screams for help and asking why engraved into his mind that “The screams of a mother losing her child is awful, but the screams of a mother losing her fourth is unforgettable” as I sat to right this I was met with awful pains, instant sweat and nausea. These were the worst cramps yet. I feel something slip of of me and rushed to the bathroom. I had passed my placenta. I sat gushing blood crying asking for it to be over. It was the final piece of the pregnancy I had to pass. Im so beyond ready for the pain both physically and mental to ease. We’ve decided to get fertility test done on my husband and possibly more on myself before trying again. I so desperately want a child but at this point it all feels hopeless. It feels like a death wish. I can only hope if I am to convice again it’ll truly be my rainbow baby. As it’ll be the last time regardless.

To the woman who may find this post looking for photos frantically searching “what does a miscarrige look like” or “am I having a miscarriage” or “what does a miscarriage look like at 8 weeks” This is for you. Im sorry youre going through this and I truly hope these look nothing like what you’re dealing with and that you have a healthy baby. But here they are none the less. One photo is of my baby. 7-8 week old fetus, curled up. You can see thier head, eyes, body, and tail. One photo is of my gestational sac. It ruptured inside of me before I passed it. I passed the sac an hour after the baby. One photo is from tonight. It is my placenta. I passed it 3 days after the the baby and sac. I hope the photo find the ones who need it and or the ones that have wondered what a miscarriage looks like. I hope all of you ladies have wonderful healthy babies. For the ones that don’t you have my deepest condolences. Know youre not alone but this too shall pass. Grief however you need. Just stay safe. Sorry for the long post, just really needed to get this off my chest so I can move past it all.

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