Hey all,

Recently, life has been piling up on me and I've been contemplating suicide.

I'm 30 years old and have been married for 6 years. My husband and I have three and five year old boys. We get along fairly well but my husband has struggled with his mental health, anger, and rage which has caused the problem in our relationship. We had a conversation about 2 weeks ago about working together to grow in our relationship.

I have a history of depression and suicidal tendencies as a teen/young adult. I dealt with physical and emotional abuse from my parents and partners prior to my husband and was raped twice in my 20s before attempting suicide for the second time in my life. Due to the emotional abuse, I've always struggled with body dysmorphia.

Recently, I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis (which may just sound like inflammation of the bowel but it has some serious effects on my life, such as debilitating joint pain). But due to the pain of this condition, I'm no longer able to work out, which has triggered my body dysmorphia, once again. I found myself not eating and repulsed by food in the last few months. I've lost 25 lbs in two months, on top of living in chronic pain. (Fyi medication for UC is $400 a month which is far out of my budget. So it's untreated right now)

So I'm aware that this next part is my fault, but here we go anyway. Due to my low self-esteem, I allowed flirting to happen between me and a co-worker and I really enjoyed his company. Until he started pressuring me fore sex...and just took it himself. I told my husband but...a year later. And today my oldest tells me he didn't like me and I snapped. I had a plan to kill myself. I called my husband so he could come take care of the boys when I left. And I asked him to stay on the phone with me until I stopped talking so he could call 911 and no one would have to find my body. He found me before that happened.

So I didn't, but I still might. I don't want to but I can't live in pain anymore, I can't keep hating my body, I can't keep trusting people just to have them take advantage of me, I can't keep living in a house where I'm not appreciated. We live on the opposite side of the country as either of our families and due to my anxiety from the constant abuse growing up, I've never been the greatest at friendships or opening up. I know I need help, but I feel helpless because it's my fault.

I've tried therapy before but I just feel like I'm beyond help. There's so much wrong with me. If you're still around, thanks for reading. I attached a picture of myself just to see? Idk I'm not underweight, by far, but I'm consciously not eating and I know that's a problem. Thanks for reading.