I haven’t had a good marriage since the beginning, and I’ve been suffering in silence for years.

Last night while I was sleep I felt my husband tugging at my pants so I got up to use the restroom after that because it woke me up and I saw that he was touching himself. I felt so upset and triggered into what felt like PTSD from times he has violated me while I’m asleep. He had actually had sex with me in the past when I had too much wine and said I didn’t say no so he figured it was ok. I told him that was not ok. On other times I woke up to him ejaculating on my body and face. When he did it on my face I woke up hysterical and very upset with him. He blamed it on alcohol. On different occasions and he has flat out tried to force himself on me multiple times if I’m not in the mood.

Today I told him how upset I was that he woke me up by tugging on my pants because I wasn’t sure how far it would’ve went if I didn’t wake up and he snapped on me very hard in front of our kids and I snapped too and I feel bad about that. No cursing to anything but I was trying to tell him how upset I felt and that I don’t trust him to do anything to me while I sleep. He said I was “playing the victim” and that made me instantly upset. I could barely think straight. He left and I cried and came back to say he didn’t want to leave on that note and started to see how upset I was then tried apologizing.

I feel so alone in this and like I’m not sure what to do. He says I need to forgive and I tell him I need to heal. I have survived sexual assault by other men and I feel like I’m surviving it all the time from my husband and I can’t even feel good about myself remaining married to this. My husband comes off as very nice and loving so a therapist told me to work it out regardless of the sexual assault. I feel so alone! I want to get out. I need to get out. I just don’t even know where to begin.