Can we have it all?

Question

Can we have it all? A flourishing career and a happy family life or do we have to chose?
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This question came from this local blog post:
Dear Meredith,
I'm terrified of ending up alone because of my career. I'm in my late 20s now. For the past two years I've been working tirelessly toward a job in my country's foreign service and finally got it. I started my training two months ago. I should have been over the moon, but my ex-boyfriend dumped me the day after I was sworn in. I was so hopeful when I met him because he's an avid traveler and very interested in foreign cultures. I made it very clear that I wanted something serious and what my future was going to look like. We had a fantastic relationship and connected on so many levels. I really thought I had found the one for me. As it turns out, he strung me along for half a year just to tell me that he couldn't commit after all. He "didn't want to miss out" and took off to travel the world on his own. I've been devastated ever since.
I am excited for my job but I desperately want a family of my own and I feel like I'm running out of time. I live in a big cosmopolitan city and feel like nobody my age even wants to settle down anymore, let alone with a woman you'd have to give up your entire life and career for. I know that I'm asking for a lot. I know that my potential partner would have to make a lot of sacrifices. Am I being selfish for still holding out hope? Should I just accept my fate and choose one or the other, my career or a family of my own? Can women have both?
– Both

Answer

I think the US supports this extremely unhealthy work culture. It leaves no time for balance. I think some professions, regardless of where you live, will be so demanding that it puts a strain on your personal life. But I think the vast majority of careers don’t offer enough PTO or just the general understanding that we are humans and life happens? We don’t have decent parental leave for people bringing new life into the world. We don’t have adequate sick time, and even if we did, we have to work extra hours just to afford the medical costs. We don’t get to take vacations like other wealthy nations do, either because we can’t afford it or it’s not allowed by management. If you have to call out, for whatever reason, supervisors try to fight you on it and invalidate your reason for not coming to work. You’re either not sick enough, not devoted enough, or not hardworking enough. They put it on a lower level worker to find a replacement for the shift, even when it’s in the job description of the supervisor to do so. 
The US is bottom heavy. Meaning a select few can enjoy the luxuries of a wealthy, developed nation. The rest have to work their fingers to the bone while their personal life and own mental health suffers. 
I’m sorry if I got off topic. I hope I answered your question adequately. Also, I have no idea where you are from. I’m just giving my perspective as an American.

Answer

So far, I have found I can have a little bit of each, and one will suffer neglect of some form or another. Career, Parent, Wife. Rotating where that neglect lands.
This conflict has a heavy emotional toll. The most troubling part is that it is completely created by society. If we valued families, valued the success of others, valued supporting one another… our society and laws would be very different. We can say individually we value these things- but as a group- no. We are a profit driven society. We prioritize wealth and status. And we suffer greatly for it.

Answer

(I’m the OP) I’ve noticed in my job as a paralegal that everyone in upper management is single/divorced. I didn’t realize this until remote work during Covid. Made me wonder this myself. In my single days I wanted to be in management. Now at 36, married with two kids, I want to work my hours, be a worker bee, and clock in/out. 
How is it in other companies? Anyone notice this too?

Answer

I don’t think you can, but even more than that, I don’t think that’s the way we were meant to live.

Answer

I feel like you can have maybe 90% but not the entire thing. 
Reason I say this is because if you want an established career that is also promising you have to cut time with your family. Unless your job is to work from home or involves your family somehow.
Think about it your kids have to go to school (if you choose to have kids) so things come with that schedule. Kids have wants and desires and you fulfilling them without being filthy rich come with you making a decision to support them somehow.
Now if you are kidless I honestly think you can have your career, home life and relationships of your dreams because you are fostering something with another adult that doesn’t need your time 100%.
But as a parent you gotta give a little. That’s doesn’t mean your kids will be lacking in any particular area it just means you gotta create a structure. And what that structure will look like.

Answer

This one requires some radical honesty and I really really admire some of these women in the comments for seeing this too. 
My opinion, is no. You cannot have both. You can have a career or you can have a family. Men do not, will not, submit to womens leadership and if they do submit, it’s not the man the woman even wants. She’d literally rather be by herself making her own money single…until it’s too late. 
Women tend to birth careers instead of the next generation. We get pets to settle our biological nurturing desires and move forward. This really hurts those women who chose this path *if* walked on too long or become too attached to the job/goal. 
The alternative I see where women can and would be happiest is if they would choose family first. Follow the man’s plan, and grow together within the home. After this foundation is established…THEN women can create their own business/ side hustle / part time work if you will. But it Does start with building a home with a man. And yes, that means sacrificing a professional career. 
I’m telling you, we were not meant to be in a man’s world. That’s not our battlefield. Our battlefield is carrying children, birthing the next generation, and raising GREATNESS. These are things that only WE can do. Raising greatness is a team effort but it’s up to YOU to do your part in nurturing your child the best of your abilities and that DOES mean sacrifice. Not a burden….but a willful sacrifice on our part. Our time, our body, our mind, and our hearts go into this process and it’s not celebrated, honored, or seen as successful because the mainstream world seems management as successful. A full time job as successful. They will even fool you to believe juggling a full time job paying you $15-30 an hour is worth more than the time, support, love, and education you could be pouring into your family inside your home. 
I could have a TedTalk on this topic. My life experiences have given me an immense amount of perspective from single mom living to a nuclear family home, to a blended family and to a 1-income household with home schooled children. All of these lifestyles do not happen by circumstances but by CHOICE. Rather you consciously choose it directly or not. 
Your choices matter.
Family matters most.
And careers are not real. It’s a fabrication of this world created to keep families broken, in a systematic cycle that’s incredibly hard to break free from, and absolutely no one has freedom of time which means no one is doing what they really want. You are working to live.
We weren’t put on this Earth to work. We were out on this Earth to LIVE.

Answer

Honestly, it’s very hard, at least here in America, to balance your career and a family. At least when it comes to lower wage jobs from my perspective. I can’t speak for people that I would call “Rich”. 
I make $40k/year and I’m salary with monthly bonuses which pushes me into roughly $45k-$50k year. My current job allows me to have my weekends but from time to time, my clients need me on weekends so I don’t always get that family time. When I was making only $29k, I had to work longer hours just to make ends meet. I was working tons of over time just to make a tad extra. My husband was doing the same. He was busting his butt to make ends meet so we didn’t see much of each other because we were both so busy. We also have a 14yr old (husband is his step father) and I felt so bad because I felt that he was being neglected emotionally. He wasn’t getting the support and help he needed at the time. So my husband and I both made drastic career changes in hopes it would allow for that balance of family/career. So far it’s been easier this year. 
I couldn’t see myself as a single mom again because child care is incredibly expensive and employers don’t give a damn about parents. That’s a lose lose situation a lot of times.

Answer

As it currently stands, there is no way I could maintain my career and be the parent that I wanted to be. I chose to give up my career.m because the way it’s set up, there’s no way I could have both!

Answer

Well it’s not impossible. Try looking for a partner in new places. Don’t be put off from searching online and stay away from typical single scenes. And don’t worry about being blunt about what you want. My husband and I discussed our goals and intentions on our first date. I have two sisters. Each of us have different ways of living. One has the family and career. She worked on both at the same time. There were obstacles but everything is looking good now. The other one focused only on her career. And me, I went for the family. I do have a college degree and worked until I was married but work wasn’t my priority. I wanted to focus on my own family to undo generational trauma. The sister who picked a career over a family has had some recent difficulties in her decision. But that happens when you don’t know if you want to get married or have children. She was in a 4 year relationship and never discussed marriage with the guy she was with and then they broke up. Now she feels like she’s running out of time because of her age but she’s still not sure what she wants. You seem to know what you want and that’s a great start.

Answer

I've got no interest in working outside of 9-5 so I guess it depends on your definition of having it all? I'm capable and have a unique skill set. My experience and ability are valuable to any company that hires me. If they expect me to work ridiculous hours then they are not the right fit for me. I don't think you need to grind 80 hours a week to be successful in your career.

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