And actually going through with it…

I find myself here more often than not. I’m there I want to leave I can’t handle the pain and agony this situation has brought me but my one tiny hope that he could be who he once was or who I thought he once was again keeps me here. That last hope that the person I used to love more than anything is somewhere in there… I used to look at him like he put the stars in the sky and I believed every word that came out of his mouth no matter what it was.

6 years is a long time to love someone, but it’s also a long time to put someone through emotional and mental hell over and over knowing what it’s doing to them..

Every time I get here it’s a huge battle within. I want to leave I need to leave. But what’s next. We live together in a home my aunt rents us ( he usually pays rent because I pay all the other bills and do everything else literally) (I can’t afford rent and all my other bills even subtracting his.)

Every time I get here I weigh the fact on how bad I wanted us to work and how I would’ve given anything to make it work. He used to make me feel like the most loved women in the whole world and now I feel like gum stuck to his shoe.

Real life is taking a toll on me and I can’t afford for him to take a toll on me anymore. Will it really never get better? He makes me believe he loves me so much and doesn’t know why he does these shitty things and treats me so shitty..