Seems so weird to go from the past two months thinking about being pregnant. Thinking I can't eat that. To I can. I can't drink that. To I can. This overwhelming sense of grief I have.

My husband keeps telling me I can have wine or something I just can't turn this switch on in my head. I feel like it's a betrayal. I get to live I get to enjoy life and my baby didn't.

I have been I survival mode for the last few weeks and now I'm just supposed to live and have joy. I just can't do it.

I hear I name I like and I think I need to text my husband to put it on a list. I think the seat belt is too tight on my tummy and then I remembered. I think I should be eating more spinach and fish and then I remembered. All the things that remind me that my baby isn't in me anymore and it just hits me so hard. The physical part is over and I just realized the grief never will be over. Our daughter is always going to be in our minds. We will think about her next week when her gender reveal was supposed to happen and how I still have to cut the cake to serve our friends and family at our vow renewal. I am going to think about her when we celebrate Christmas and she didn't get her stocking. Or spring when she would have been born. I am going to look for her face that I don't know in crowds and think of what she would have been. It just hit me I'm not pregnant anymore and she is never coming home with us. I like it when I don't remember I'm not pregnant and I forget the hell that happened with my body.