This marriage is so tiring. We have done *everything* right. Dated very openly spoke about as much as we could think of - emphasizing communication, trust, and accountability in our relationship. We went to church together - we are both religious on what I would say the same level. I’m not trying to make this into a debate on religion, but in general it’s good when your partner shares the same opinion or faith as you im not saying that’s the be all end all don’t mistake me! But for example when it comes to marriage and starting a family, it doesn’t look easy from an outsiders point of view when one parent believes this and another believes this and it’s a tug of war or off balance in the home. Religious or not, you have to be on the same as your partner within reason. Right?

Anyways. We did marriage counselling before hand. Read books together on finances in a marriage. How to deal with conflict. We built friendships with slightly older more mature couples who definitely helped guide us with things. I know you can never fully prepare for marriage and won’t necessarily have a long “honeymoon” but this has been the hardest 6 months of my life. We did everything right to prep for this - and it’s a nightmare.

His family was awful to me (ok not his entire family like four people but they were key people like his immediate family who had his ear), he judges my family who yes can be a little dramatic but he’s quite rude about it. Like just an example. An aunt of mine cheated on her husband and they’re getting divorced. My husband thinks they’re wrong and should work it out but has full on said that if I ever cheated that would be grounds for him to divorce me. How does that make sense? I mean no one wishes divorce to happen when they get married but damn. Or an example is his parents have a vacation home out of the country and travel four times a year but when his dads sister suddenly passed away, my husband said his parents needed money for flights. I was like why don’t they cancel their upcoming trip to the vacation home. And he was mad at me because I have a twisted sense of what family means and its importance and how you always help family out. FYI we did not contribute to their flights and they still were able to go to the funeral and two weeks later they went to their vacation home.

With our wedding I’m so thankful for the help we received. But really when it came to our family specifically our parents helping out, his family was pretty unhelpful. My husband told me he wasn’t going to ask for their help because he knows their money situation and it isn’t fair of us to ask them to help with anything of the wedding. His parents gave us $100 in a card at the reception. And gave us grief during the entire planning process and got mad over who wasn’t invited or how this was how a cousin of his wasn’t my bridesmaid how this was and that was. They were obnoxious. And the day after our wedding jumped on a plane to their vacation home. My parents paid for my dress, my MOHs dress, the venue - a total of $25K and my mom just asked if her steak could be well done at the reception. My parents helped a lot but didn’t bother us is what I’m getting at.

The last time we had a dinner with a bunch of people from his family, I got shit on for being a wife who works outside of the home. Nothing wrong with SAHMs (moms) or SAHWs (wives) but that isn’t the life I want at least not today - I like working outside the home and saving money before starting a family etc. They criticized me. And no one defended me except me. Out loud someone asked how I could be a good wife if I’m not home for when my husband comes home from work. And another person constantly nags about when we will have a baby because they want us to have a baby. I get annoyed very quickly by some of them - and honestly don’t see them anymore. Plus they don’t speak to me or invite me - they just invite my husband to things like “stop by for dinner on your way home from work” and he does. It’s never you and your wife it’s just him.

My husband and I both work full time - I work dumb shift work and only get one day off a week - Mondays! My husband has a more normal schedule of 8-5 Monday to Friday. So today for instance I worked - but before work I did a bunch of things including the laundry. I ran out of time and asked him to do the last load for me. I came home and the clothes are piled on the floor. He said he got busy. I asked with what - because before I went to work I did everything. He got mad at me and said he wasn’t having this conversation with me and how I can just do the clothes tomorrow - my one day off where I run around and do groceries and kind of prep for the week. I was like that’s my one day off and he was like well today is my day off too. It’s so frustrating because whether it’s a work day or an off day I am doing 98% of things. He sleeps in on his day off. But on my day off I’m up and running and he’s always telling me oh your day off during the week blah blah when truly it’s not a day where I can ever have to myself.

I’m so disheartened by this marriage and emotionally checked out. I hardly argue. I go quiet. I’ve suggested more counselling he said no. Then a week later he was like I’m seeing a therapist and you should too. I was like HUH?! Random tidbit you may love, he cancelled my gym membership without me knowing - I found out like a month later at the gym when my card wouldn’t scan - and confronted him! His reason? It’s a waste of his money and going to the gym will make me too self centred and prideful and then told me I was fine the way I was. Isn’t that a nice fun fact?!

I just trapped myself into a loveless fake marriage. And I’m on my way out (emotionally, mentally).