Cd 20...starting to loose it.

⚓❄Mary❄⚓ • 31, married almost 2 years (together almost 4years). Healing from loss at 39.5 weeks. Ttc #2, we have a beautiful 4 year old boy
I'm in my tww. Feel depressed. Scared to test but wanting to already at the same time. In a panic. Dont know what is going on with me. Nuat feel like I'm failing at this. Was so easy with my first son. Why so hard now?? Say some prayers girls. I'm breaking down.