So.. I’ve always had a hard time enjoying oral. Both giving and receiving, because from the time I was 2-6 I was touched and orally abused by my dads then girlfriends oldest son.

I couldn’t remember details for the longest time, but I got with this guy within the last few months and I haven’t been able to give him any oral because the first time I tried I had an intense flashback to the point of being able to hear my abusers voice, feel his hands on me and even remembered where we were when it was happening.

I didn’t tell my boyfriend right away, just told him no any time he had asked. Eventually I felt like telling him no without a reason was getting to him… so I told him.

I told him over text because we hadn’t seen each other in a few days and I wasn’t sure I was ready to verbally say it either.

He basically said he’s very sorry for the jokes about me not doing it and making me feel pressured in any way and he won’t ask again.

He really didn’t and a few times hanging out went by, and he started to say “well when you’re ready to go down on me…” and I tuned the rest out and went into a flashback.

I know this shouldn’t be his to bear, but lord I can’t even handle the conversation right now. It all happened 16 years ago but the flashbacks are new and it feels like a fresh wound all over again.

I am in therapy for my general anxiety, I see a psychiatrist monthly and take 6 prescription meds a day. I’m trying. It’s just so hard.