Good morning,

This will be an extensive post so please be ready for an odd read(or maybe not so odd if this seems common).

Backstory - I was born in 1989. From then until 2020, I had the same primary care doctor. As a child I was unable to focus and bored quickly in school. For a short period, I was placed on Ritalin. My father did not like me on it and saw the trend of children being placed on it so he had me taken off to work on other non medicated methods at home. I was out of the school district so my mom always transported my sister and myself to and from primary and middle school.

Fast forward to high school - I had to ride the school bus due to the distance from my home and my father's strict monetary concerns. I slowly began having issues after a year or two while on the school bus where I'd feel nauseous and my throat would tighten up. I'd be afraid of vomiting and I'd just fight to swallow and hold my breath, clenching my mouth shut and tightening all muscles within. It'd cause this overwhelming tiredness to come over afterwards. It began happening every day and it'd confuse me so much. Through drivers ed while in a vehicle I'd face the same issues as on the school bus. My father had his pilots license and wanted me to get mine as well but I faced those same feelings of being trapped and wanting to get out while having that overwhelming feeling of something slowly coming up my throat as if I was nauseous. 11th grade summer vacation I did not leave my room much and spent majority of it on my computer gaining friends through chatrooms. I was always a home body and only went to my grandparents, never went out with friends.

Senior year, I began to drive my own vehicle. The first day in class, I went to home room and noticed that I had that feeling now in class and it was 10x worse because I now had the feeling of making it an inconvenience on everyone in class if I had to get up and walk out.

Would I get in trouble? Would others laugh at me? Would they think differently of me? Would the feeling get worse? Would they now pay more attention to me and in turn make the feeling come over me more often?

All of these questions I constantly thought of until I just had to get up and get out. I made it through every class and the entire school day was filled with this feeling. I got home and my dad took me to the family doctor. I was diagnosed with a stomach bug that comes from uncooked Chinese food(I kid you not). I was prescribed 3 different antibiotics to be taken twice a day(with food). I was afraid to eat because of the nauseous feeling obviously and I honestly had never been a breakfast person. The following day, my dad had the medicine laid out with breakfast my mom made me. He forced me to take the medicine and eat which I ate a bite or two. He then took me to school and I felt that feeling the entire way, I felt it through the entire day at school again. I stopped eating lunch at school at that point. That went on for the rest of the school week until one day I broke down and refused to go in. My dad had never seen me react that way so he dropped the strictness and took me back to the doctor. After explaining what was going on, the doctor said that I was suffering from anxiety. He placed me on the extended release version of alprpzolam. I went through most of the school year on this medicine while still experiencing the feelings now diagnosed as "panic attacks". During this period, I didn't eat lunch and only ate once I got home. I lost quite a bit of weight because I'd only feel comfortable eating at home. I stopped going out to eat with my parents and only got to-go meals if we stopped by anywhere. I no longer went anywhere with them where you had to sit down. I also was visually drowsy and I looked high all the time at school.

On a checkup, the doctor placed me on 0.5mg klonopin extended release because he said that it was a better drug and I wouldn't have that drowsy feel. That was in 2007. Obviously since it was a controlled substance, I was made to take drug screenings on checkups and go back regularly for refills. This went on from 2007 until 2021. One day, I called for a refill checkup and found out he had retired to teach at a medical college. The new doctor which absorbed his patients, was so nice and down to earth as well but she seemed apprehensive on my case. She said that she doesn't specialize in that type of medicine and said that she'd trust me as long as I went through drug screenings every checkup and the drug was in my system. She also advised me to seek the correct type of medical professional for diagnosis, but she refilled my prescription. The following visit, she refused to refill my prescription because my screening had shown no benzodiazepines. She then referred me to a psychological health group for diagnosis and evaluation. I then went over a year of trying different antidepressants which negatively impacted my mood and thought process and coming off of klonopin which took about 3 months of slowly cutting down the dosage and length of time between dosages.

Obviously it has been over a year since I have fully come off of it now, but I am looking back and I truly don't remember much of my life. To be honest, most of it is blank with filler. It's as if I know what I've done and what's happened throughout, but specific memories are gone. It's as if I know the story of my life by reading the blurb on the back but I haven't read any of the details within the book.

Now since that's happened I can't recall back and think of when I began noticing I didn't remember much, but at the same time I can see why.

Falling back some - I was very successful at my job and in late 2020, I was moved to a facility an hour away. During this time I was faced with other coworkers and managers that were done the same and this facility was one of those "almost impossible" facilities to be able to operate successfully. I faced constant backlash and confusion from other employees when I attempted to set policy and procedure in place. I noticed that during all of this while I was being taken off of klonopin, I would forget more, I would stray away more and more, I would slowly end up losing drive, determination, and my ability to focus on the task at hand. It's as if before I could process an entire task from start to finish within my mind and check off each box as the task moved towards completion, while making adjustments and handling any and all things that were thrown at me successfully, calm, and sure of myself. Now all of that is gone.

I struggle to focus, stay on task, keep my determination, and feel good enough to complete something. I am overly detailed as always still, but I don't have the interest in anything. I used to have so many hobbies and within a year, everything is gone and nothing even strikes interest when attempting. Also while all this has been going on in late 2020, I've met someone that showed more care and concern than anyone else I've ever met in life. I was married with children at the time and when you throw in the fact that you're hit with a realization that the person you believed you were in love with, you are not, really sucks. It's as if within a year while not being on antidepressants or benzo's, all of the emotion that I thought I had was nothing compared to what I'm feeling. I've made so many mistakes that are detrimental but I am trying to make it right and be the person I feel is a good person in my eyes.

After testing(unmedicated), I was professionally diagnosed in August of 2022 with the following..

-Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, Mild (predominantly inattentive presentation)

-Panic Disorder

-Adjustment Disorder (with mixed anxiety and depressed mood)

-Disruption of Family by Separation or Divorce

I have since been placed on concerta and have slowly moved up to 54mg which now this week, I have also been placed on Guanfacine to take at night to assist the anger and anxiety that comes from the concerta.

Has anyone else experienced this memory loss from extended use of klonopin?

Should I look into legal action from the obvious memory loss that's come from it?

The only reason it's bothering me now is that as I see each doctor or pharmacist, I get the same confused reaction..

"Why in the world were you placed on Klonopin for more than 6 months? It is medically known that you should not be on klonopin for that long"

I'm genuinely confused and it's as if I'm just now finding myself and what I like, what I feel, and how I react to things at 33 years old.

Also, I am not looking for any true advice on legal matters, this is just based on your experience and your opinion for discussion purposes.

*As people ask further questions and I need to add more info, I'll edit the post to reflect the changes*