Hi all! So a little bit of a long story here… I am 22, and just had my second baby in July of this year. I also have a two year old. My second pregnancy was nowhere near planned, but we were still happy nonetheless when we found out I was pregnant again. Fast forward to my birth.

My first son was born vaginally. But my second, I had to have a c section due to him being a bit bigger than my first and me being relatively small. They were worried about shoulder distocia (sorry if I didn’t spell it correctly). Of course after I had him, I experienced the baby blues but then I THOUGHT I was getting better and handling life with two young kids better. But then I slowly started to experience ppd and ppa. My ppa was the worst of it all. I started to have daily panic attacks, constant fears of me dying and developed an irrational fear of medication. My dr prescribed me medication to help but because I was all of a sudden terrified of medication, I held off for two months.

Fast forward to a couple of days ago. I had a postpartum psychosis episode. I couldn’t sleep all night and had reached 24 hours without sleep. I then started to lose reality and started to feel very weird and out of my own body. I then knew it was time for me to get help. I got dressed and at 6 am, checked myself into the hospital. The psychiatrist there let me know that what I was experiencing was borderline postpartum psychosis and I needed to be admitted before things got worse. But because I didn’t have reliable childcare for my two kids, I had to opt out. We came up with the plan for me to take my first dose of medication in the hospital, around nurses so that if I had a panic attack from being afraid I could have immediate help. Well I took it and I did so well! So we agreed that I could be sent home with the medication, have a visiting nurse coke everyday to give me my meds until I was comfortable taking them on my own, and I’m scheduled to start a higher level of treatment next week.

Well here’s my problem. I’ve started the medication and it’s been about 3 days now and I feel somewhat of a difference already. I’m able to control my anxiety and intrusive thoughts. I’m less depressed but I still don’t feel like myself. I feel very weird and still like I’m not in my own body. I keep telling myself that this may be because I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety for so long, and haven’t been on medication since I was probably 18 that I’m just not used to not having that anxiety and depression and I just need to get used to this new normal.

My question is, has anyone experienced this, and when you started your medication, when did you eventually start to feel happy again and better? Will I ever feel like myself again, or will this be my new normal? I’m tempted to ask my dr to take me off of the medication just because of how weird I feel, but I also want to give it the two weeks to kick in and see if I feel better and comfortable in my own skin.

If you read this far, thank you so much! And thank you in advance for any replies I get that can give me some hope :)