Counseling both couples and individual. Unless something has caused the situation like lying or cheating etc that you Had to put the walls up, then it’s there for a reason, lack of trust or infidelity etc. and it’s understandable why you have become defensive or on guard. If this is the case then it’s there for a reason and probably should not be with someone that you can’t trust. Has he given you a reason that you can’t trust him, has he thrown your secrets and you under the bus and used your vulnerability against you or embarrassed you or something else. Because you are just wasting your time and it’s stealing from your sanity, happiness and of course it’s sabotaging your relationship. If this is not the case, then I want you to do some exercises. Mentally retrain the brain. Pattern interrupt, getting the negative or intrusive thoughts out and replacing them with a positive thought. Whenever you think or feel an intrusive or negative thought, I want you to stop the thought and shift the pattern. I want you to say to yourself stop it whatever your name is. Stop it sally! And then I want you to repeat something. I am the thinker of my thoughts, all thoughts are an illusion, instead I choose to think about ____. Shift the thought process. You have been with him for 3 years, either something happened to you or he caused this. Unless this has been going on prior to him. The next thing I want you to do is make a list like a pros and cons list of him, who he is, how the relationship has gone and you need to figure out if it is worth the headache or not. Or are you better off finding happiness elsewhere. Staying together for the sake of the kids or for any other reason, and sucking it up for the sake of the team never works out because everyone is miserable and if that is the reason, trust me they would rather you be happy than not. Not grow up in a house full of fighting and arguing rather than love and happiness. Your wall will come down with you are with someone that makes you feel safe that you can let down that wall. Trust, communication, understanding, appreciation, otherwise lack of trust is like a piece of paper that has been crumbled in the palm of your hand, the lines of deception will always be in the back of your Mind and that paper will never be as it once was. Forgiveness is the beginning of healing. It’s not for them, it’s for you. And whether that comes from our own families or prior relationships or ourselves for the choices and decisions that we made in our life, learning to let go of the past and keep moving forward, with or without people in your life and finally freeing yourself. The boulders that you have been carrying in your heart and in your mind because they no longer serve you. Taking off the backpack and no longer carrying them around. Choosing differently, choosing better, choosing your happiness, your sanity and yourself instead. You are just stealing your own happiness and sabotaging current and future relationships and your own happiness. Forgiving yourself, learning to give yourself grace and Space. And forgiving those that hurt you, not to their face, but to yourself, not because they deserve it, but because you deserve peace within and they are no longer going to be the reason for your unhappiness. Sometimes it’s helpful to write letter and get to say everything you have always wanted to say, getting things off your chest and finding closure. Whether or not you give them the letter or you burn it, at least you got to make peace with it if they have passed away or before they do, so you can find healing and acceptance. Those walls may be there for a reason, because you are with someone that disappoints you or is not the right person for you. You should never have to feel like you are walking on eggshells with someone when you are in a relationship. Especially due to anger issues, guilt or manipulation etc. that’s toxic behavior and not fair to you. Take an evaluation and ask yourself are you happy. If things stayed exactly how they are can you picture your life 5 or 10 years from now and say that you would be happy. If the answer is no, then let this be a wake up call and figure out a game plan. I wish you luck and hope things get better.