This one isn’t a rainbow baby but I hope someone might understand.

This is kiddo number 6. Pregnancy number 10. Between the first 3 there were no issues no losses no problems. They’re 12,9, and 9.

Then we tried for my daughter and I had two miscarriages and then had my girl who is three. Then we had two miscarriages and I had my daughter who’s 1.

I found out just after her first birthday I’m pregnant again. Given the cycle of 2 losses then success I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m overthinking every twinge and cramp. My lack of symptoms where as my girls made me so sick and bloated isn’t helping.

I still have a week and a half until my first appointment and ultrasound and I’m terrified it’s going to ruin Christmas and I’m going to end up having another missed miscarriage like in the past. I’m so afraid to get my hopes up or accept this pregnancy given the coincidental pattern that happened with my girls.

I feel like I’m crazy which isn’t helping anything. My husband just doesn’t get it either. He was the whole it’s okay we just try again mindset instead of feeling each loss. He’s also so much more laid back and I’m the overthinking who’s anxious all the time.

This is our last baby and I’m worried I’m going to spend all of it waiting for the worst to happen and then regret it but I can’t get out of my own head.